Blog

Love is just a tool
To remind us who we are
And that we are not alone
When we’re walking in the dark

About a year ago, I had a conversation with one of my best friends, Angela. She asked me if I ever planned to remarry. I sat in thought for a bit. In my mind, I knew if I answered, “never”, I’d someday eat those words so instead I said, “If I were to answer today, I’d say ‘I don’t think so, but I don’t know what the future brings or my thoughts on marriage will change.’” I went through what I thought was going to be an amicable and respectful divorce and it ended up being anything but. I really thought about the concept of marriage and why it was important in the societal sense. You make a commitment or vow to love one another, trust one another, be there in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times, etc. The concept is wonderful but when tested it’s not always true. I am not against it, I just, at the time, did not fully believe there needed to be a legally binding agreement to someone in order to know that someone will choose to be part of your life for the rest of your days.

And that took me to years before, when at my birthday celebration in 2015 we were talking about the supreme court ruling of the Obergefell v. Hodges case. The court’s decision was that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples. Talking with Roby, he shared growing up knowing who he was, and the fact that when he became an adult he might never legally marry who he chose to in the United States. That hit me, really my heart, like a ton of bricks. And, I realized how sheltered I was. As the tears streamed down my face, I admitted how naïve I was and yet, I was so happy too that this ruling came to pass–that men and women could marry whom they loved and it would be legally acceptable. And yet as Pride Month comes to an end, this week a retirement announcement by Justice Kennedy has those that support same sex marriage wondering if the court’s ruling can be challenged. This makes me both sad and angry.

Towards the end of 2017, I received a message from another dear friend, Erica, announcing her engagement. Don’t get it twisted. I was ELATED for her and for her fiancé. They had been dating for quite some time and slowly progressed to building their lives together, step-by-step, with bumps along the way but really figuring out what kind of life they wanted to create together. And after the announcement, she asked me if I would create her wedding dress. I was scared. Typically, wedding dresses are worn one time and that’s that…over the top and sometimes just too gaudy. In the past three years, I’ve received 6 wedding dresses to do what I please with them. It’s hard to tear someone’s creation apart, how would I create something with my heart and soul to possibly have my creation face the same demise?!? And this is where she hooked me, Erica told me she didn’t want to have the traditional dress. She wanted something she could wear again and again and would love to tell people about it. I signed up on the spot.

Erica and I met a few years before when she “won me” in a “celebrity” lunch auction. LOL—I should have paid her. As part of her winning donation that supported the local non-profit supporting homeless children, CLN Kids, she won a styling session with moi. I LOVED the session. I sent her the pre-work styling sheet and her response, in regards to what she loved to wear, was “BLACK”. As a woman who loves black, myself, I was going to push her boundaries. She came in and I had the fitting room set up for her. I the front of the selection were black options. Then, based on her coloring and body type I choose other options. I had her try on the black outfits, come out and I photographed her. I paid close attention to her reaction to the “other” selections, all earth tones. She started to say, “I don’t wear…” I stopped her mid-sentence and replied, stating, “I know. I read your stylist sheet, but since you’re already here, why don’t you just try them on (I felt like Flor in Spanglish).

And as she came out of the fitting room, I saw that smile grow from ear to ear. She knew how incredible she looked. Our friendship grew from that moment because I pushed her out of her comfort zone, and as a strong woman to strong woman I asked her to think differently. A few months later she came in describing an event she was attending without giving away details, until I busted her when I attended that same event. That was the first time I met the love of her life. I knew in creating her wedding dress, it could be anything but the norm….how could you go for white when you are CHAMPAGNE. I scoured the right embellishments and fabrics from NYC to LA and got to work. She commissioned me to create her dress and the dress of her soon to be, beautiful step daughter.

Feeling my way through the darkness guided by a beating heart. I can’t tell where the journey will end but I know where to start. All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.

The weeks leading to the wedding were filled with fittings and last-minute alterations conversations and ways to help each other professionally and in life. Everything about the wedding was connected to their community: a local clothing designer, local jewelry designers, local bar to host the event, local musicians, gifts designated to a small, local non-profit, and family and friends filling in the rest.

I arrived to the wedding and like the predictable, unpredictable NM weather, there was a torrential downpour, so friends and family moved the décor and other items into the bar from the rooftop. As New Mexicans do, we waited it out 15 minutes and the weather cleared up beautifully. The wedding party headed upstairs and the ceremony began. The judge officiating was a friend of theirs.

They wrote their vows focused on “I love you because” and “I promise”. What stood out the most to me was when Erica proclaimed (and I am paraphrasing) when she was at her lowest, she loved Alf because “he didn’t try to fix her, he just stayed at her side.” I also smiled when she said she promised to love his “new favorite song of the week”. When Alf spoke, he talked about loving her because she was sexy (and mentioned that several times through out his vows), but he also spoke of loving her because she was always right. It was a perfect way to celebrate a union.

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
And I don’t have any plans
I wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is a prize

I still don’t know about remarrying. I know life is short and I’m living it to the fullest, but I also don’t believe in rushing anything. I am exploring (DARA the explorer), finding myself and what brings me mind blowing experiences and happiness. I don’t feel like I need a ring on my finger to identify myself as another’s…I will connect with my soul mate through adventure, respect, communication, trust, celebration, intimacy and trials.

Hope life is beautiful
You were the light for me to find my truth
I just wanna say, thank you

My hope is that you find what makes you whole; that you commit to that soul that completes you and brings the best out of you. I will be cheering on the sidelines….and hey, if you need a non-traditional dress, then I’m the girl for you.

With light and love—finding the beauty in the unknown,
Dara Sophia

These Days, Performed by: Rudimental (feat: Jess Glynne, Macklemore & Dan Caplen) 
Spanglish (2004), Director: James L. Brooks
Wake Me Up, Performed by: Avcii (feat: Aloe Blacc)

I’m not going to lie, my jaw drops, when I see a man that takes time to put himself together. Sadly, I wish this occurred more often than it does. So, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to talk about wardrobe essentials and summer trends.

Women look at men <in a fine tailored suit>, like men look at women in lingerie. Steven Keator

The first thing to invest in is a suit

If you can’t afford a tailor-made an Italian Suit, your next best option is to have a suit that fits well, tailored to your body. This not just buying a suit jacket, but investing in the complete suit. Where to start?

A little background on venting–the back slits in a suit jacket are to give men more room to move. From what I’ve been told this goes back to the time when men first started wearing jackets while riding horseback. The dual vent is relative to the English style suit, the single vent is American, and no vent is Italian. Now here’s the key to your suit, every man should own one (refer to the quote above). Why? It’s your go to for special or important occasions, so find one that is classic and can travel with you through graduation, job interviews, weddings, funerals and other events. First step, get fitted. Many men’s fine clothing retailers will to this for you with no charge. You will get your suit size as well as your fitted shirt and pant sizes. Next step, try on different styles to see what looks best on you–shawl collars, double breasted fronts, pinstripes, etc. While your in the shop why not have some fun trying options you may not buy but can gleam how they will look on you. Here’s what you need to look for as you are checking out your bad self in the mirror.

Q: Where do the shoulder pads end? A: They should end at your shoulders.
Q: Where does the top button of a two-button suit fall? A: It should not fall below your navel (and this is the case for middle button of a 3-button suit).
Q: Where should your suit jacket fall? With your arms at your sides, your knuckles should be in line with end of your suit.
Q: Where should your suit sleeves fall? A: The suit jacket should fall at the base of where your thumb joins your wrist (and should leave approximate a quarter to half inch clearance for your shirt to peek out and say, “Why hello there, I am put together rather well, wouldn’t you say?”).

As far as the fit for the jacket, when buttoned, you should be able to slide your flat hand into the suit under the lapel. If you make a fist, it should pull on the bottom of your suit indicating tightness. That’s how you know it’s appropriately caressing your body…you’re not swimming in it or it’s not too tight.

Now that you’ve purchased your suit, set it aside and only wear it as a complete set. Don’t wear your suit jacket with your jeans or chinos, only the slacks it’s married to. Put your money into the suit and tailoring, buy an off the rack sports coat or blazer for your slightly more casual look. These jackets are made to be a little less fitted in order to wear in layers. Suit options–check!!

Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don’t know where I am goin’ to
Silk suit, black tie,
I don’t need a reason why
They come runnin’ just as fast as they can
‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man – ZZ Top

A GUY’S TALE: TAIL IN OR TAIL OUT

Not all guys know their fitted shirt size (go back to the beginning and get professionally fitted and then come back here) or when to wear what style.

Your fitted shirt can be another way to show your personality. Not only in the material, but the fit, stitching, buttons and cuff. The French Cuff, or Double Cuff, are a more formal option and are typically worn with the suit and generally not on their own (unless you’re me and love dabbling in men’s fashion inspiration). The more common option is a single cuff with either a single or double button enclosure. When you want that polished or more professional look, I would suggest that you tuck in your shirt. You can tell whether or not a fitted shirt was made to be tucked in or not by the length and the detail on the hem. An untucked style of shirt is typically shorter in length, like that of a polo or t-shirt. Some independent and fun lines have connecting detail (different material) that connects the front tail and back tail, but the AHA moment on whether or not your shirt should be tucked in is if the back tail is hanging out of your suit jacket.

As far as short sleeves or rolled sleeves in the summer… Both are great, but there is something that’s a little more fashion forward (and hot) with the a wide rolled long sleeve that falls just below the elbow (and especially when there’s a cool tat peeking out). Fitted Shirts—Check!

Boys boys boys
With hairspray and denim
Boys boys boys
We love them! — Lady Gaga

FIND COMFORT IN JEANS

Forever, women have had options on their style of jeans but over the past few years guys only had a few options: regular and wide legged or boot cut. Now there are so many options to fit various body types from the super skinny jegging variety to gansta baggy, drawers showing variety. Here’s a graphic of the basic types:

When you find a fit and brand you love and loves you back, make a wardrobe investment.

“I like my money right where I can see it…hanging in my closet.” Carrie Bradshaw

So let’s talk body type for the right fit…

If you have a thin lean body type (envisage a rectangle or ruler), you want something to stick with a slim or regular fit type of jean. A skinny jean will make you look skinnier and a loose to baggy fit will make you look like you are swimming in your jeans. For those with an athletic build (think hour glass or two mirrored triangles), skinny jeans typically have a bit of stretch in them which will help to actuate your build. The other option that will work best with this body-type because this build typically has muscular thighs is the loose fit…generally, regular fit doesn’t work because of the straight leg nature of the pant and the tightness around the thigh. Slim fit doesn’t normally work because you look like the hulk busting through your pants. Baggy is an option because of the typical build smaller waist you just have to be careful not to wear an over-sized top or you just look like Kris Kross (and Mac Daddy, you won’t make anyone jump, you’ll just look like a kid wearing his dad’s jeans). For guys that have broad shoulders and/or are more muscular on top (an inverted triangle), the best fit for you is the regular fit or a relaxed fit, this creates more proportion for your body. For guys with wider hips or waist, go for regular, relaxed fit or baggy (but not too baggy…did I say how much I loathe the uber baggy look, really, why wear jeans?!? Put sweats on). Of course these are the basic types, but every body type is in variations so when you find the one that works for you, snatch them up.

I love the look of a rugged, worn jean. But nothing says high style <to me> than a dark wash denim especially with a woven jacket and a crisp light blue shirt. If you like a good fit that’s not too rough, make sure to look for a blended jean—cotton with elastane (stretchy polyester). A premium option is selvedge which is a tight woven stiff denim that includes a clean finished edge and typically doesn’t unravel. Another option is raw denim which is untreated and not pre-washed. Now, you’ve got a lifetime of jean knowledge—check!!

My friends at KRQE asked me to pull it all together just in time for Father’s Day so I called on the masterminds in local men’s fashion: Rufus at Izzy Martin and Ryan at Toad Road and brought the Andrews together to pull off some fashion forward and classic looks.

I was invited back in the next hour to talk about summer trends, but was unable to get the video, so I’m going to give you the run down on some trends to keep you feeling and looking COOL!

Because men tend to dress in more layers than women. Here are some lightweight fabrics for you.

Madras – a strong, fine-textured cotton fabric typically in vibrant color stripes or checks…it takes it’s origin from a former city with the same name in India

Linen – a light-weight, often open weave fabric made from flax…easy breezy but typically very wrinkly

Seersucker – I always think of the American south and a southern gentlemen with this fabric, but it has Persian roots. This puckered, cotton fabric, normally patterned in stripes is perfect for summer

Chambray – when I think of chambray, I think of a light weight denim but only recently was properly educated that it’s a woven gingham cloth with a linen finish….most commonly in indigo so it gives that denim feel

SO with the scoop on the fabrics, what are some of the trends?

Summer is all about color and having fun with your choices. This is the season to be a little more fashion forward in your choices and just have fun. Feeling confident and comfortable in your look says everything.

If you’ve read all the way through, you’ve built your wardrobe essentials and fun summer picks—YOU’RE WELCOME!

With Light and Love,
Dara Sophia

I believe that fashion has taken me to places otherwise impossible. Beyond the potential financial benefits, I have traveled to places I may not have otherwise (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I have met the dreamers and doers working on and achieving their own creative life goals. Design pulls from my right brain and what I create is influenced by what I’m feeling; what statement I want to make in that moment; and how I want to express myself through color, fit, silhouettes, fabric and embellishments. It also provides a way to give back. After the fashion event, I call on my left side brain to help me regurgitate and re-digest what I learned from that creative moment. And in an analytical way, I share that through my writings. I’ve learned what I create and write can be provocative. It is my hope that each make you think. I hope there is some impact and some action.

Clipped wings, I was a broken thing
Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing
You would wind me down
I struggled on the ground, oh
So lost, the line had been crossed
Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk
You held me down
I struggle to fly now, oh

A couple of weeks ago, I received a call from my dear friend, Laura, asking me if I’d be interested in providing or creating a couple of looks the upcoming Do Hair. Do Good. Charity Fashion Show. I’ve been involved in this Mark Pardo event in various ways over the past 5 years. This year, since I had a little more time, I wanted to  understand the inspiration behind the show and create my looks accordingly. I asked to join the Mark Pardo creative team for one of their weekly planning meetings to get the inside scoop. I learned that this year’s theme is Rising from the Ashes…as the mythical, Phoenix. The theme in my mind was completely appropriate since this year’s beneficiary is the Family Advocacy Center (a.k.a. FAC or AFAC), located here, in Albuquerque.

Here lieth a Phoenix, by whose death
Another Phoenix life gave breath:
It is to be lamented much
The world at once ne’er knew two such.

Mark Pardo has been hosting Do Hair. Do Good. for a number of years, but the focus for the past 3 years has been on AFAC, which focuses on providing a one-stop center of assistance for survivors of abuse. This is an issue that is close to me. I remember, at the age of 10, fleeing with my mother out the back door as my father, who over the years became more and more abusive to my mom, came in the front door and in days following, sleeping on the couches of my mom’s best friends while she tried to navigate the system and tried to find resources to help her, me and my brother. I also have a history of support for the AFAC. It began years ago when, at Cardinal Health, we helped underwrite financial support to establish the center. Then a few years later, I worked with a team to develop volunteer training to support the organization.

According to AFAC, “Research has consistently shown that adult and child victims of family violence who successfully move into healthy living situations need up to 32 different organizations to help them get there. Sadly, many victims return to abuse because the systems which are in place to help them seem too cumbersome to negotiate at a time when they are most vulnerable. The difficulty is compounded by the fact that the systems do not communicate efficiently with one another. For most victims it is difficult to find the courage to move forward after being so seriously diminished for so long. In many cases it is the abuse of the children, not of themselves, that moves the victim to action.” After visiting with the FAC Coordinator, Bev McMillan, I also learned that the victim generally returns to her/his abuser on average 7 times before finally leaving…just think about what can happen during any of those times?!? While understanding that the perpetrator is controlling and has diminished the self-esteem of the abused individual, many times the victim will go back because they’ve not only been made to believe they are not worthy for anything or anyone else, but also because the individual is not financially stable to make it on their own, let alone able to support her/his children, so they return to the dangerous situation.

At the FAC, there are 14 community partners and law enforcement divisions, everything from Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners, Para Los Ninos, to NM Legal Aid, to 2^nd Judicial Court Domestic Violence Division. And because many times the victim, leaves with nothing but the clothing they are wearing, there are food and clothing closets. While I was talking with Bev, she shared a story how recently the FAC worked perfectly in the manner it was created. She spoke of a woman that came in and worked with the law enforcement side, then was taken over SANE for an examination. About 45 minutes later, she met with a victim’s advocate from the Domestic Resource Center and finally, NM Legal Aid. Within the period of 2 and half hours, she got all the help she needed. She was brought over by a minister from her church and that minister mentioned she had no food, so the center provided her a food box and some basic hygiene necessities. I share information about AFAC to let you know this resource is in our community. And as horrible as this sounds, the number of unduplicated clients is on the rise. Both Bev and I agree is that the occurrence of abuse has always been a pervasive issue throughout the community (with no socio-economic bias), however as awareness grows, individuals and families are reporting and getting the help they need to transform their lives.

Talking with the Mark Pardo team, the reason they have supported this organization for the past few years is because as an employer, with the majority of their team, women, they want to create an environment that informs the staff about resources and creates a safe space for customers. When was the last time you didn’t have a conversation with your hair stylist? It’s much like sitting at the bar and talking with a bartender. If they are good, you just open up and share what’s happening in your life. If they are empowered, which I know this team is, they can provide information about services like the Family Advocacy Center. Through the charity fashion show, they are going beyond advice and showcasing their talents to generate event revenue which will provide support to the work of AFAC. The FAC empowers the community to change lives.

And I don’t care if I sing off key
I find myself in my melodies
I sing for love, I sing for me
I shout it out like a bird set free
No, I don’t care if I sing off key
I find myself in my melodies
I sing for love, I sing for me
I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

On the daily, stylists and make-up artists are also catalysts for transformation, so again I believe the theme of the phoenix is absolutely perfect. The creative team is showcasing their work in three segments: FIRE, ASH & LIGHT:

As I think of these concepts, I see a burning desire for change—life CANNOT continue as is—flowing, building, out of control in ways. The next phase is structured, tight, plan to break the bondage of the old to a glorious new light. So, as I went home to sketch, I have the following ideas come to my mind. I think the Debi dress would be the perfect for the fire segment, with the flow and keeping it together on a thread. I then sketched out my ash inspiration, a structured pencil skirt and bodice with “the weight of the world” on the model’s shoulders and a tight feather neckline. Finally, my light look is all about freedom, flow and breaking chains.

My mom broke the cycle of abuse when we fled that fall afternoon. She returned to school and received a BA in Fine Arts and continued on to get a Masters in Education, all while working and raising two children. If it wasn’t for her community of support, I’d hate to think of the other outcomes. A creative way you can change the outcomes of someone you may never know or who may never repay you, is to purchase your ticket to a phenomenal Do Hair. Do Good. Charity Fashion Show on Saturday, June 16, 6:00pm at Vara Wines Tasting Room (event details can be found here https://markpardo.com/do-hair-do-good/). The money raised will help with the next evolution of the AFAC, helping to build programming for women’s self-sufficiency. Remember, it takes a village. And if you know someone that can benefit from the Family Advocacy Center, send them this number (click on the photo to find all the resources available through the center):

No explanation–just help.

With light and love!
Dara Sophia

Bird Set Free, lyrics and performed by Sia
Phoenix poem is said to have been on the headstone of Jane Seymour
Sunflowers painting by Dee Sanchez and can be found at the AFAC (symbolizes a community of support)

Preface: I am a novelist at heart. I freeform blog and don’t have an editor. Many times, there are several iterations before the final post, but each posted blog contains my feelings at the time that I feel them. I am grateful for those of you that read all the way through and I hope it makes you feel too…and maybe today, a little joy.

I woke this morning to the sound of the birds chirping in the nearby trees around my casita. It’s quite a lovely way to ease into the morning. I much prefer that sound than to the “BAAAH-BAAAH-BAAAH” screaming of my alarm clock jolting me from my sleep. With this sweet melody, I tend to slowly rise from my slumber. While lying there, I pondered what they are talking to each other about, so of course when I got up and grabbed my cup of coffee, I took to the Google to find what insights I might learn. As much as I want to believe, I know they aren’t just serenading me like a Disney movie.

According what I found on Wired.com (yes, the technology publication), “Birds can sing at any time of day, but during the dawn chorus their songs are often louder, livelier, and more frequent. It’s mostly made up of male birds, attempting to attract mates and warn other males away from their territories.” I read this, snickered and thought, of course that’s the explanation. However, my thought is that the birds are singing at the promise of a new day and the joy it can bring.

I’ve been blessed and cursed with a couple of free weeks to really ponder this question. About a year and a half ago, I wrote a humorous ode to my jeep and again, I got to thinking about this question of what brings me joy (and if Go Daddy didn’t hold my blog posts hostage, I’d share the link). I’ll provide a brief recap if you didn’t get the opportunity to read it or if you’ve slept since then. Since I was in high school, I’ve wanted a jeep. A few years ago, I obtained one. I love it most during the warm weather with the bikini top on, the windows out and my earbuds in my head with my music playing. Whenever I walk up to it, I immediately grin from ear to ear…and not because it is the best thing on the earth (I am well aware that it is an inanimate object). It has it’s down sides: it is a gas guzzler (especially with gas prices nearing $3 per gallon); it’s not the best vehicle to drive in the wind and/or in the rain; it’s an older model so in the past year I’ve had to do a number of repairs (especially in the past couple of weeks); and by the end of the summer–I will have half my body tanned, my hair windblown beyond recognition and moments when I do my Flashdance back arch because of the puddles that pool on top of the roof (again, I’ll share the graphics for your memory or if this is the first time you are reading this blog):

I could have a car that was more efficient and reliable or even has air conditioner and solid paneling. And especially after the past couple of weeks of it overheating and the battery dying, it would have been very easy for me to fall in the trap of “why do I keep it?!?” Yet, I don’t believe I would experience the same joy as I do when I’m in it—that’s what the heart of joy comes from. It is the times that we purposefully look beyond adversity to find joy. Sometimes we make it too complicated, putting the responsibility of finding joy on someone else or only allowing ourselves believe we will have it when we “achieve this or get that”. Joy is in front and center, if we want to see it. As a five foot nothing woman, I LOVE climbing into it and feeling that I am observing the world from above.

“I wish I was a little bit taller; I wish I was a baller”. Skee-Lo

(And I totally do feel like a baller in it). I love the feeling of the sunshine and the open air. I love music, solitude and dancing…and all those things come together when I drive it. I love that it gives me the independence to get up and go where I need and want to. I love when it’s freshly washed that the navy beauty just winks at me…and I smile every time. It brings me joy because it is representative of me: independent, adventurous, classic, airy, bad ass, friendly and fun. Pure joy.

A little over a month ago, I received an email from a friend. The exchange went like this:

We hadn’t seen each other in about a year, so in our design consultation we talked about life since then, the wedding and her new leadership role in the community. She shared her style, the wedding color scheme, and the wedding details. She told me about her conversation with her daughter and how her daughter just wanted her to be joyful and comfortable that day. As we sat in her office, I noticed that she was much “lighter” than the year before. Her eyes gleamed with her surroundings. Life had changed since the last time we saw each other, and a renewed spirit was beaming from her. Her office is painted in a vibrant, calming blue and her windows that face north, welcomed the spring light which filled the room. It was the perfect environment for her and something definitely guided me in my creativity. In the hour and a half we spent together, I spent 5, maybe 10, minutes taking measurements, the rest in soul filling conversation.  On her office table, Diane has motivational coins and she asked me to choose one. I chose “inspiration” because in that moment I totally was. I knew the color scheme, fabric and cut I was going to sketch and propose for her. I got to work as soon as I arrived home and within a day, I ordered fabric samples and sent her the sketch.

Then a few weeks later, tragedy hit our hearts. Everything was put on hold. I had friends from near and all over the country reach out. I had planned to launch my Wrong Girl campaign and it came to a halt. I couldn’t focus. Those that know me, know that I retreat inward and can’t talk…I write, so I wrote my from my heart focused on beautiful memories and Jennifer’s impact on my life. The community, no I take that back, the world came to Albuquerque. Friends who I hadn’t seen in months and years joined to celebrate her, her love, her “sparkle” and her impact. I remember having a conversation with Roby on the way to breakfast the day after her community celebration. He talked how everyone who knew Jennifer felt this loss and how the community will be forever changed without her radiant joy present in everyday life. He wasn’t sure what could be done with her absence. I agreed wholeheartedly and the only thing I could think of in that moment as the best way to honor her is:

Be the change you want to see in the world. credited to Mahatma Gandhi

In a time of divisiveness, exclusion, tragedy and hatred, she embodied inclusion, connectiveness and that spark of joy and love. What this horrific loss brought to me (and I know this sounds selfish but she was incredibly good at making feel everyone feel part of her) was meaningful time with loved ones I haven’t seen for quite some time, gatherings and deep conversations with new friends.

My friend Laurie invited me to be her guest at the Ethics in Business dinner a week after. I told her I’d be honored to attend if she didn’t mind me if I was moved to shed a tear. She told me she’d be right there with me. Again, it was a lovely evening with hugs that filled your entire being with comfort and light from people I hadn’t seen in quite some time. There was a beautiful dedication to Jennifer. I remembered the last time I attended the event was in honor of her and I smiled at the thought. It wasn’t until the non-profit awardee was announced that the water works began. This year’s recipient was Special Olympics of New Mexico…memory lane was in full-effect. This was one of the first organizations we volunteered for at Cardinal Health and on more than one occasion, I asked Randy Mascorella, SONM ED, to speak to our organization events. As sponsors of Summer State Games, I with my colleagues volunteered as athlete escorts. This is one of the first life changing volunteer experiences I encountered. When I first volunteered, I selfishly thought what impact I’d have. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The athletes, I had the honor of meeting throughout the years, had a greater impact on me. I’ve never felt more welcome, seen more support for competitors or seen strength, as I have volunteering at Summer State Games. We would bond with the athletes while taking them from the staging area to their event, run to the finish line while cheering them, take them to the awards area and return to the staging area. The awards area for as long as I can remember has been sponsored by Wells Fargo, so on many occasions I’d take the athletes to be recognized by Jennifer and her team. As Randy and her delegation accepted the award, Laurie and I gave them a standing “O”. We cheered loudly and proudly while tears streamed down my face.

“Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.” Special Olympics Oath

SONM was the last awardee of the night, so I graciously thanked and hugged Laurie. I told her I needed to leave (I knew I looked a mess, like a 5-year old after the ugly cry). When I returned home that evening, I asked my son if he’d join me again (a few years later) to volunteer for summer games. He generously agreed.

Fast forward a couple weeks…

Today, we volunteered as athlete escorts. We bonded with some beautiful girls who were competing but also so supportive of each other. We talked about where they were from. I asked if they were attending Cliff’s for the dance later that day (what I learned, through years of volunteering, was that the DANCE was the real reason they all descended upon Albuquerque for state games). I asked the ones who had traveled into town if they were staying at a hotel with a pool and if so, had they gone swimming yet. We were present in the moment and because there were a TON of UPS volunteers and not any athletes in the staging area, we followed them through the entire course and this time we stayed in awards and cheered them on as the received their well-deserved medals. As we were walking back cheering on the next division of runners. I heard the announcer say, “That is the pure look of joy on his face.” I smiled and commented to my son how that resonated with me. Then an athlete sitting in the stands, trying to stay out of the sun, waved at us and we waved back. He drew us in. I saw medal gleaming around his neck and I asked him about it. He told me about his event. I gave him a high five and said, “congratulations!” Before we walked away, he reached out for a hug. I obliged and wished him a wonderful day and good luck on his other events. I’m sure I had the look of pure joy on my face.

What barriers are you placing on yourself to experience joy? There will always be things vying for the opportunity to prevent you from experiencing it. Don’t allow them. I have learned in the past few months what a life lesson this is. Some of my joy is experienced in connecting people to their actualized self, dreams and beauty; in relishing nature (in my own backyard and in adventures to new places); in the awe of what I believe are miracles; seeing my children laugh, especially together; my own laughter and greater understanding of others through authentic conversations; wandering in my jeep; swinging from the local park or school swings; the welcome I get every time I return home; running in Central Park NYC (and believe me, I’m not a fan of running); traveling; creating; writing; serving others; learning and giving.

Funny thing, two hummingbirds are buzzing and dancing outside my back door as I write this blog. Joie de vivre!

With light and love,

Dara Sophia

She has been my ray of sunshine.

This has been the hardest thing I’ve had to write in many years. I’ve been trying to stay off of social media outlets because while there is so much love being shared for my dear friend, it is a constant reminder of the reality that she is no longer here. Even though, I know there are so many like me experiencing immense sadness and loss, I am going to do my best to focus on the incredible soul that my friend, Jennifer, shared with everyone she encountered.

I met Jennifer 20 years ago. She was with UNMH at the time and I was developing the fledgling employee volunteer and giving program at Cardinal Health. We were both serving on Albuquerque Healthcare for the Homeless’ annual First Day of Winter event. She was rambunctious, driven and super competitive. It was great to see her in action. Motivated to change the world, her energy was fierce and as an introvert, sometimes overwhelming to me, but I enjoyed working with her as a colleague. I watched her move from UNM to Citi to Wells Fargo and cheered her on along the way. It was fun to impact the community together in many ways. I remember one time, our respective organizations were up for the same award at the Governor’s Spotlight on Volunteers conference. I had no idea how Cardinal Health pulled it off, with of our smaller sized organization and budget, but we were awarded the Corporate Award. Jennifer had no problem asking me for my application because she wanted to learn what we were doing and make sure Wells Fargo was on track for the next year. As I said, she was competitive. However, I also noticed after having her children that she became so nurturing to those around her. When my career ended at Cardinal Health, she called me because there was an opportunity at Wells Fargo that she wanted me to apply for. I started the process, but something happened that was so unlike me with a miscommunication in the interview process (I later told her that I think the universe had other plans for me).

My path led me into the boutique and that’s where our friendship really flourished. At times, we were each other’s dates for social events because our husbands hated attending, but because of the nature of our work, we needed to attend out of obligation. We’d meet for wine, coffee or even quick conversations in her office or my shop when schedules allowed. We’d talk about our families, our similar childhoods, business and life in general. We probably talked the most about balance. How, because of our roles making it a priority to have real family time among the chaos of work commitments. I loved it when she’d laugh so hard she’d snort and she reminded me often that she could always find me because of my joyous laughter. She honored me at the Women of Influence event (that she emceed and I was an honoree for) by wearing the dress she had purchased at the boutique. She and I took a selfie from the stage. The next month, I cheered loudly from the audience as she was recognized with the Young Leader Award at the Business in Ethics event. I had just started designing and was planning a launch event that would be a fundraiser for one of my favorite non-profits. I asked her to emcee it and she graciously accepted it.

Sadly, the store closed, and I just didn’t have the energy to pull off the event. She immediately reached out to see if I was okay. She gave me a little space, a week or two, and then invited me over to her home. We sat al fresco drinking wine and talking. Again, she asked about me. We talked about business for a minute, but the focus was how I was doing in that moment. We started talking about fashion. I shared my concerns, about my failure, and fear of continuing in that space. She said she wasn’t going to let me give up and commissioned me on the spot to create two outfits for her: one for Diner en Blanc and one for Concours du Soleil. I accepted the offer and immediately got to work creating the sketches. I went back to her home the next week to take her measurements and began working on the look. With the first outfit complete, I met her at her daughter’s gymnastic studio. She tried on the two-piece pantsuit in the bathroom (I opted for a pantsuit in lieu of a dress because I knew she was going to be schlepping around her table, chairs and picnic basket). It fit like a glove and she looked beautiful in it. In that moment, with her support, I knew I would succeed. The next day after giving careful consideration about continuing in this space, I sent her the following message:

Hi my friend!

I can’t tell you how much your faith in my abilities and support of my dream means to me. Your outfit is my first commissioned piece and seeing you in it yesterday gave me the confidence that I now know I can succeed. As you’re aware, closing the boutique nearly killed my desire to move forward in this space, but I don’t know if I completely told you why. Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were growing up? Well, I wanted to be a fashion designer and when that didn’t happen, I moved on. Thank God I found a wonderful path in a career that I not only enjoyed but felt I made a difference in. When it ended, I wasn’t quite sure what I’d do next. I was then catapulted into small business. It was hard work…harder than anything I had ever done before, but I felt it was my life’s work. I could help people see how beautiful they really are and give back in a huge way that made my heart sing. However, I didn’t have all the tools I needed in my tool box to make it successful or even make a living out of it. I was horrible at operations and sales, but you don’t know what you don’t know. When I came to the realization it destroyed me…for a brief moment.

One afternoon, a couple weeks ago I was watching “Eat. Pray. Love.” I remember reading the book when I was at Cardinal Health and thinking, “what is wrong with her?” She cried throughout the book and it annoyed me so much. I wanted to shake her and say, “snap out of it!” It wasn’t until this year that I understood. Well that afternoon, I cried throughout the entire movie. I was in a state of depression and despair and then there was a line that really struck me. The line was, “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” And being the Catholic girl that I am I reached out to St. Jude for inspiration…the saint for hopeless causes. I said a prayer and asked for guidance and an idea struck me.

I’m a HOPELESS fanatic of fashion. I’m a HOPELESS believer that everything happens for a reason and you should use it to drive or inspire you. And, because I’m human, I feel HOPELESS at times so I give others hope to be who they are meant to be. Life is filled with CA– USE & effect. What if there was a fashion line that supported: livable wages, eco-social practices, and gave back? Now wouldn’t that be a CA– USE to get behind…and just think of that effect. Hopeless + Cause Atelier

I’ve struggled with the name DARAdesigns from the beginning because I don’t like being in the spotlight. I think I can better tell my story about my love for fashion and the type of women who want to wear my clothing through this brand. However, you are the 2nd person I’ve shared this with so please don’t share it yet. I’m not ready for the reveal just yet, but soon I promise! In the meantime, can you please do me the honor of a few small favors:

1) What non-profit organization would you like me to contribute on behalf of for your commissioned pieces? Sadly, it will be a small donation at this time…but it will be something because I want that to be a tenant of everything I do.

2) You are a gorgeous woman. Please shine in what I’ve made specifically for you. Please take photos and share them with me. No need to tell the world just yet who made them for you. Although I know Jamie wants to see you. Let me know if you need her number. 🙂

3) And if it’s not too much to ask, I have a fabulous friend who is a photographer and she would like to do a photo shoot in late September. Would you mind participating in it with your outfits?

Your personal note is like my first dollar bill. I will hang it proudly in my atelier space (dining room) until I can get into a real space. Thank you my friend for YOU!! I apologize for filling up your email with this novel, but I thought it was important to share this with you.

XOXO!! With much love,
Dara

Her response is one that I carry with me, every day and in everything I do.

Dara, I have tears in my eyes as I read this, I am overwhelmed with your kindness, gratitude and openness. I am thrilled to be your first commissioned piece, I am touched, honored and so excited to rock your amazing creation tonight.

I completely understand the challenges you have had and the transformation over the last several months. The best part of trying is learning. You did not FAIL, you found out what is in your heart, who you are and your passion. That is a BIG WIN.

I am excited about your new endeavor and the work you will do to link fashion with social profit work and outcomes for a sustainable Albuquerque and beyond….because I know you are the next NYC Fashion Week show….:)

I will ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOU, trust you and celebrate you. the hardest part of tonight will be to say that you created by piece, but not yet be able to refer folks to you….your vision is a much needed one for ABQ—custom, classic and made with heart and love.  I will NEED and WANT more, but excited to help you in anyway.

I love your vision to support our social profit sector and I choose Junior Achievement to be the benefactor for your thoughtful and generous pay it forward gift. Educating our youth is so critical and helping inspire them to put their DREAMS first and find a way…you embody this in everything you do.  To re-light your passion and fire for fashion after a corporate career, small business owner, wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister is INSPIRING!

THANK YOU  my dear friend Dara, I am excited to see what the next chapter brings for you and I am honored to be your friend 🙂

Xoxox

Jennifer

She sent me photos from the evening and she looked beautiful in her effortless style. I decided to call the look after her beautiful daughter. The wide legged pant has become signature to my line each season only mixing up the length, materials and width of the cuff. The next event, I had the honor of sitting at the Wells Fargo table with her and as Roby’s date. We mingled during the cocktail hour and she informed me how much her husband loved the dress. We were standing there talking when woman after woman stopped by to her how gorgeous she looked. She’d turn to them and say, “Thank you. This is the designer.” We danced. We drank. We played poker. We smoked cigars. It was a wonderful evening and the first time I had really been out since the store closed. That evening, I decided to launch my line in a much smaller way. In November, she was in the front row with her daughter. Many of you reading this know what a community Rockstar she was (it hurts SO much to use the past tense), but she was my muse and a fashion risk taker. She was daring with her fashion and I often came up with ideas she’d jump at the chance to wear. When I needed a model, she’d happily comply even when she’d secretly tell me how nervous about it she was.

She was beautifully human. Even with the respect and leadership she earned, she still had to deal with so much bullshit. I remember being her guest at an event when one of her colleagues complained like a spoiled brat about the food being served  (like she had any control over it). I thought how petty and really wanted to tell the woman off in Jennifer’s defense, but instead commiserated with Jennifer remembering the crazy things I had to deal with. We laughed and drank wine. There came another opportunity that I’d have the chance to work side-by-side with her in Communications. I took the chance and applied. I made it to the final round and while disappointed, I was happy with who was hired. I was honored to be considered in the same pool of the level of caliber of talent they brought on board (and honestly, I can’t fathom what I’d do today if I was in the role—I truly believe things happen for a reason). Just a few weeks later, the news about the Wells Fargo scandal broke. To me, it was so far away because of the level of integrity of the local team, yet, I called her to see how she was doing. She mentioned that it was a tarnish on the company and an opportunity for learning, but there was so much good her company and local leadership were doing in our community. She believed in the power of New Mexico. We continued to work closely together on community projects through the Corporate Volunteer Council. As I was going through my divorce, she’d check in to see how my kids and I were doing. I’d invite her over and she’d bring the kiddos with her. I dazzled them with my electronic typewriter and instant film camera (they wondered where these ancient devices came from), while I fitted her for her different looks. Every fashion event, her plus one was her daughter and I loved to see them together. She was so excited when I was showing in NYC…I don’t think she remembered that she had set those wheels in motion in just two years before. We were constantly checking in every couple of weeks. Knowing my involvement with non-profits and in small business, and the lack of funding to attend the social events required for networking business connections, she always made sure, if one was available, I’d have a seat at her table. She did this even when I would tease her that this introvert didn’t need to be out there any more with her being my brand ambassador. However, I’d occasionally take on her offer if it meant spending time together or being at an event where she was speaking or being honored at.

My life has been incredibly blessed by her presence in it. Her kindness, genuineness, beauty and humor have made me strive to be the best me. I know anyone who has encountered her presence in their lives can say the same. I will miss her snorts, her holiday bitmojis, her smile and welcoming presence. I love her ray of sunshine and she will always shine through me.

Please feel free to share your warm memories of Jennifer in the comments below.

With light and love, and today, a broken heart working on healing because I know she wouldn’t want it any other way. I am sending all my love and healing thoughts to her family.

Dara Sophia

When was the last time you screamed?

…from the top of your lungs and with all your might? Didn’t it just feel good to just release whatever was bottled up inside? When my kids were smaller, I taught them if they were in pain (for example if the accidentally kicked the corner of a chair) to grab a pillow and scream into it with all their might and let it go. It was such a foreign concept. My daughter grabbed a hold of it and still to this day, follows this act. My son, however, still struggles with the idea of it. While screaming is cathartic for the beholder, others tends to react in a way of being annoyed by this behavior. It is taboo to scream in a crowed place unless the action taking place requires a similar reaction like a futbol game. And we’ve been so desensitized that most people often look the other way when someone screams in distress. Yet, growing up you may heard the phrase “I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream!” So, screaming can’t be entirely bad for you, right?!?

The kids and I recently took a road trip to Los Angeles for their spring break. It was something we had been planning for months and were so excited to head out of town. As my son and I jumped into the car and headed out to pick up my daughter, I sent her a text to be ready since we had 11 hours ahead of us. As we approached her house, she responded that she had just woken up and still needed to pack. I took a deep breath and said we needed to put gas and that we’d be there in 15 minutes. I asked her to be ready when we arrived. She wasn’t. We sat in the car waiting. The anticipation of finally getting out of town and knowing the road ahead of us was long, I was also frustrated because she and I had talked the night before about being ready by a specific time. By the time she had got to the car, I was doing my best to not explode. And then because she was as equally tense and frustrated, she made a comment that I don’t even remember, but it set me off. I talked about being responsible and being on time. She talked about her long week and sleepless nights. We weren’t listening to each other and trying to talk over each and it turned into a full out screaming match. It was a great way to start the trip, trapped in a car with emotions high. At that moment, none of us (especially my son) wanted to be there.  Three hours later, as we approached Gallup, New Mexico, we were us again. We stopped at our traditional road trip pit stop, Blake’s Lotaburger, and talked about lunch. We didn’t address the issues from before except to apologize and leave what happened in Albuquerque, in Albuquerque. The rest of the trip was great. My son drove, while I danced in the passenger seat (yes, I boogie in my seat…what can I say, I am the life of the party). My daughter slept in the back seat to catch up on what she had missed in the past week due to midterms. We got into town, settled in our room, and talked about plans for the next day.

The next day was a rainy California day. It never rains in Southern California, except when my son and I visit. We have decided that we are the cure to the Cali drought. Saturday was all about business. I offered the kids brunch if they went with me to the fabric district and helped me haggle for my needs. We fueled up and hit the store fronts. I loaded up on some exquisite options–I’m working on a wedding dress and the day before solidified plans with creative soulmate for another Albuquerque guerrilla photo shoot. Still not sure of the theme, except high fashion meets street, I found bright pops of color and fun accents. As we walked about my daughter squealed in delight with the scent of the food carts the grilled meats and onions tapped into her senses (even though she complained of a full stomach). After I made my purchases, we headed over to Santee Alley, where China meets Mexico, it’s such a meshing of cultures and a market place that could only live in Downtown LA. The rain really started to come down so we opted to go to find respite indoors at the MOCA (Museum of Contemporary Arts). I was excited by the collection of Brassai, Arbus and Goldin on exhibit. My favorite medium is photography and especially the unexpected. As we viewed the exhibits, I stumbled across an artist building her installation, we still here, there. Open for exploration, the exhibit focused on black life in South Central LA. French artists, music and language was also circling about my head. Culturally, I felt like I was all over the world, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my inspiration was a modern girl’s guide to life through a pop art lens.

Brushes with darkness won’t help you create
Your destiny of self but ARTPOP could mean anything, anything
I try to sell myself but I am really laughing
Because I just want the music <fashion>, not the bling

After our adventures we opted to stop by the corner Whole Foods and decided to have an indoor picnic back at the hotel. We got back to the room and we were in such a lighthearted mood, talking about our finds as we noshed on our feast. We talked about plans for the next day. It was supposed be nicer, weather-wise, so I suggested the beach. My daughter suggested more museums. My son said he’d be happy with anything. I secretly knew he was dying to return to Universal Studios, so I tracked down a discount via AAA and I bought the tickets. I could have sworn he was ten years younger. I haven’t seen him as happy and childlike as I did in that moment. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me so tight, saying, “thank you, momma”. I knew in that moment how much he meant it. I wanted to scream in pure delight but instead squeezed him back. The rest of the night it was incredible: sitting back and watching the two of them interact. Again, it felt like it was years before when they were much younger, they were so playful–teasing each other, laughing and just enjoying each other’s company. The room was filled with such incredible light energy and it was one of those rare moments that made my heart full.

Believe it not, we were up and ready by the time we committed to (I think because we were all like small children excited for the day–my son admitted he didn’t sleep well because he was so excited). We got to the park early and headed straight for Harry Potter Land (don’t judge). What my son and I realized from our visit the year before was that to bypass the lines we needed to ride as “single riders”. The three of us basically walked right to the front of the line and jumped on the ride. It was the first time my daughter had been there since the new attraction. As we talked about the rides, we realized we hadn’t been to the park together for almost 10 years. And again, I saw them through a different lens, on the outside they look like young adults, yet they were so youthful that day, like a movie montage where the adult turns back into a child. We hit the other rides in Harry Potter Land then went over to Springfield for the Simpson’s ride. Again, we were able to jump right on. I was reminded how much it sucks to get older as I felt like I had vertigo after getting off the ride. We headed down to the lower level and road what I decided was my favorite ride, the Mummy, it was an interactive roller coaster that traveled both forward and backwards. I screamed at the top of my lungs and laughed nervously (and didn’t look at the photo capture after the ride because I know I looked a fool). We then went and rode the Transformers ride and to my daughter’s displeasure, went on the Jurassic Park ride. She had an adverse experience on the ride when she was much smaller…okay the animatronic T-rex scared the bejezus out of her. She survived and we headed back to the upper level to the Despicable Me ride (bananas!) and totally avoided the Walking Dead attraction. I WISH!!! I think my son likes to make me walk through the attraction because I scream so much it reminds him of this Ellen show.

Remember, I am the life of the party. We rounded out the day with the Back Lot Tour and some Butter Beer. We all talked about how perfect the day was. The weather was ideal (overcast, no rain, lower 70s with a breeze) and we honestly didn’t wait for more than 20 minutes for any given ride. I don’t recall any time we had gone to any theme park and were able to go on all the rides and hit all the places we wanted to see like we did this day. It was still early so we agreed that we wanted to go see Black Panther. We got our seats and got some popcorn and watched what was a really good super hero movie (I do watch other genres but I’m always down for cheering on someone wanting to save the world). We dropped off my daughter at her friends’ house that evening. My son and I drove back to the hotel talking about our day and high points (I have made it a habit to always ask about high points and low points of the day). We both couldn’t believe how perfect it was and I grinned from ear to ear. He and I were leaving back to New Mexico the next day so we headed to bed early.

I woke that morning and decided to head out to Redondo Beach before hitting the road. A few blocks from the beach was a church, St. James, so I decided to stop and reflect on my visit. The door was wide-open so I walked in and took a seat at a pew. I silently shared my gratitude and a few prayers for a safe trip home while admiring the stained glass, architecture and sculptures. I felt an immense amount of solace in that moment. A few minutes later, I got back in the car and made my way to public parking. It was still relatively early in the morning and there were only a few people out. It was so incredibly peaceful and serene. I exhaled a deep breath, a scream without the sound behind it. It was such a release of joy and happiness.

We hit the road mid-day and because no travel that I’m involved with can’t be without Ms. Adventures moments, we were stopped by New Mexico State Police outside of Grants, NM about 11:15pm (so close to home). Originally, my son was stopped for speeding, but then the officer ran the plates and came back asking for the keys to the car and our driver’s license because the car was reported as stolen. I raised my voice and asked, “are you kidding me, it’s a rental car and I gave you the contract?” After talking with the rental company and handing over the phone so the officer could talk to the representative. He let us go (which I was reminded by my colleagues that if it were them, they would have had guns drawn—yikes!). My son was completely bummed thinking what bad luck he had. I informed him it wasn’t bad luck; it was a story we would laugh about once we got home.

The past few months I’ve wanted to scream out of frustration, stress and anger, but that weekend I was taken back to when I would scream for excitement and pure enjoyment. When I scream for pain, I’ll grab a pillow, but next time I open my lungs it will be for happiness…remembering that saying, “I scream. You scream. We all scream for…” What excites you that you will scream for?

With light and love!