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My Ray of Sunshine

She has been my ray of sunshine.

This has been the hardest thing I’ve had to write in many years. I’ve been trying to stay off of social media outlets because while there is so much love being shared for my dear friend, it is a constant reminder of the reality that she is no longer here. Even though, I know there are so many like me experiencing immense sadness and loss, I am going to do my best to focus on the incredible soul that my friend, Jennifer, shared with everyone she encountered.

I met Jennifer 20 years ago. She was with UNMH at the time and I was developing the fledgling employee volunteer and giving program at Cardinal Health. We were both serving on Albuquerque Healthcare for the Homeless’ annual First Day of Winter event. She was rambunctious, driven and super competitive. It was great to see her in action. Motivated to change the world, her energy was fierce and as an introvert, sometimes overwhelming to me, but I enjoyed working with her as a colleague. I watched her move from UNM to Citi to Wells Fargo and cheered her on along the way. It was fun to impact the community together in many ways. I remember one time, our respective organizations were up for the same award at the Governor’s Spotlight on Volunteers conference. I had no idea how Cardinal Health pulled it off, with of our smaller sized organization and budget, but we were awarded the Corporate Award. Jennifer had no problem asking me for my application because she wanted to learn what we were doing and make sure Wells Fargo was on track for the next year. As I said, she was competitive. However, I also noticed after having her children that she became so nurturing to those around her. When my career ended at Cardinal Health, she called me because there was an opportunity at Wells Fargo that she wanted me to apply for. I started the process, but something happened that was so unlike me with a miscommunication in the interview process (I later told her that I think the universe had other plans for me).

My path led me into the boutique and that’s where our friendship really flourished. At times, we were each other’s dates for social events because our husbands hated attending, but because of the nature of our work, we needed to attend out of obligation. We’d meet for wine, coffee or even quick conversations in her office or my shop when schedules allowed. We’d talk about our families, our similar childhoods, business and life in general. We probably talked the most about balance. How, because of our roles making it a priority to have real family time among the chaos of work commitments. I loved it when she’d laugh so hard she’d snort and she reminded me often that she could always find me because of my joyous laughter. She honored me at the Women of Influence event (that she emceed and I was an honoree for) by wearing the dress she had purchased at the boutique. She and I took a selfie from the stage. The next month, I cheered loudly from the audience as she was recognized with the Young Leader Award at the Business in Ethics event. I had just started designing and was planning a launch event that would be a fundraiser for one of my favorite non-profits. I asked her to emcee it and she graciously accepted it.

Sadly, the store closed, and I just didn’t have the energy to pull off the event. She immediately reached out to see if I was okay. She gave me a little space, a week or two, and then invited me over to her home. We sat al fresco drinking wine and talking. Again, she asked about me. We talked about business for a minute, but the focus was how I was doing in that moment. We started talking about fashion. I shared my concerns, about my failure, and fear of continuing in that space. She said she wasn’t going to let me give up and commissioned me on the spot to create two outfits for her: one for Diner en Blanc and one for Concours du Soleil. I accepted the offer and immediately got to work creating the sketches. I went back to her home the next week to take her measurements and began working on the look. With the first outfit complete, I met her at her daughter’s gymnastic studio. She tried on the two-piece pantsuit in the bathroom (I opted for a pantsuit in lieu of a dress because I knew she was going to be schlepping around her table, chairs and picnic basket). It fit like a glove and she looked beautiful in it. In that moment, with her support, I knew I would succeed. The next day after giving careful consideration about continuing in this space, I sent her the following message:

Hi my friend!

I can’t tell you how much your faith in my abilities and support of my dream means to me. Your outfit is my first commissioned piece and seeing you in it yesterday gave me the confidence that I now know I can succeed. As you’re aware, closing the boutique nearly killed my desire to move forward in this space, but I don’t know if I completely told you why. Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were growing up? Well, I wanted to be a fashion designer and when that didn’t happen, I moved on. Thank God I found a wonderful path in a career that I not only enjoyed but felt I made a difference in. When it ended, I wasn’t quite sure what I’d do next. I was then catapulted into small business. It was hard work…harder than anything I had ever done before, but I felt it was my life’s work. I could help people see how beautiful they really are and give back in a huge way that made my heart sing. However, I didn’t have all the tools I needed in my tool box to make it successful or even make a living out of it. I was horrible at operations and sales, but you don’t know what you don’t know. When I came to the realization it destroyed me…for a brief moment.

One afternoon, a couple weeks ago I was watching “Eat. Pray. Love.” I remember reading the book when I was at Cardinal Health and thinking, “what is wrong with her?” She cried throughout the book and it annoyed me so much. I wanted to shake her and say, “snap out of it!” It wasn’t until this year that I understood. Well that afternoon, I cried throughout the entire movie. I was in a state of depression and despair and then there was a line that really struck me. The line was, “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” And being the Catholic girl that I am I reached out to St. Jude for inspiration…the saint for hopeless causes. I said a prayer and asked for guidance and an idea struck me.

I’m a HOPELESS fanatic of fashion. I’m a HOPELESS believer that everything happens for a reason and you should use it to drive or inspire you. And, because I’m human, I feel HOPELESS at times so I give others hope to be who they are meant to be. Life is filled with CA– USE & effect. What if there was a fashion line that supported: livable wages, eco-social practices, and gave back? Now wouldn’t that be a CA– USE to get behind…and just think of that effect. Hopeless + Cause Atelier

I’ve struggled with the name DARAdesigns from the beginning because I don’t like being in the spotlight. I think I can better tell my story about my love for fashion and the type of women who want to wear my clothing through this brand. However, you are the 2nd person I’ve shared this with so please don’t share it yet. I’m not ready for the reveal just yet, but soon I promise! In the meantime, can you please do me the honor of a few small favors:

1) What non-profit organization would you like me to contribute on behalf of for your commissioned pieces? Sadly, it will be a small donation at this time…but it will be something because I want that to be a tenant of everything I do.

2) You are a gorgeous woman. Please shine in what I’ve made specifically for you. Please take photos and share them with me. No need to tell the world just yet who made them for you. Although I know Jamie wants to see you. Let me know if you need her number. 🙂

3) And if it’s not too much to ask, I have a fabulous friend who is a photographer and she would like to do a photo shoot in late September. Would you mind participating in it with your outfits?

Your personal note is like my first dollar bill. I will hang it proudly in my atelier space (dining room) until I can get into a real space. Thank you my friend for YOU!! I apologize for filling up your email with this novel, but I thought it was important to share this with you.

XOXO!! With much love,
Dara

Her response is one that I carry with me, every day and in everything I do.

Dara, I have tears in my eyes as I read this, I am overwhelmed with your kindness, gratitude and openness. I am thrilled to be your first commissioned piece, I am touched, honored and so excited to rock your amazing creation tonight.

I completely understand the challenges you have had and the transformation over the last several months. The best part of trying is learning. You did not FAIL, you found out what is in your heart, who you are and your passion. That is a BIG WIN.

I am excited about your new endeavor and the work you will do to link fashion with social profit work and outcomes for a sustainable Albuquerque and beyond….because I know you are the next NYC Fashion Week show….:)

I will ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOU, trust you and celebrate you. the hardest part of tonight will be to say that you created by piece, but not yet be able to refer folks to you….your vision is a much needed one for ABQ—custom, classic and made with heart and love.  I will NEED and WANT more, but excited to help you in anyway.

I love your vision to support our social profit sector and I choose Junior Achievement to be the benefactor for your thoughtful and generous pay it forward gift. Educating our youth is so critical and helping inspire them to put their DREAMS first and find a way…you embody this in everything you do.  To re-light your passion and fire for fashion after a corporate career, small business owner, wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister is INSPIRING!

THANK YOU  my dear friend Dara, I am excited to see what the next chapter brings for you and I am honored to be your friend 🙂

Xoxox

Jennifer

Photographed by Erin Killion Photography

She sent me photos from the evening and she looked beautiful in her effortless style. I decided to call the look after her beautiful daughter. The wide legged pant has become signature to my line each season only mixing up the length, materials and width of the cuff. The next event, I had the honor of sitting at the Wells Fargo table with her and as Roby’s date. We mingled during the cocktail hour and she informed me how much her husband loved the dress. We were standing there talking when woman after woman stopped by to her how gorgeous she looked. She’d turn to them and say, “Thank you. This is the designer.” We danced. We drank. We played poker. We smoked cigars. It was a wonderful evening and the first time I had really been out since the store closed. That evening, I decided to launch my line in a much smaller way. In November, she was in the front row with her daughter. Many of you reading this know what a community Rockstar she was (it hurts SO much to use the past tense), but she was my muse and a fashion risk taker. She was daring with her fashion and I often came up with ideas she’d jump at the chance to wear. When I needed a model, she’d happily comply even when she’d secretly tell me how nervous about it she was.

She was beautifully human. Even with the respect and leadership she earned, she still had to deal with so much bullshit. I remember being her guest at an event when one of her colleagues complained like a spoiled brat about the food being served  (like she had any control over it). I thought how petty and really wanted to tell the woman off in Jennifer’s defense, but instead commiserated with Jennifer remembering the crazy things I had to deal with. We laughed and drank wine. There came another opportunity that I’d have the chance to work side-by-side with her in Communications. I took the chance and applied. I made it to the final round and while disappointed, I was happy with who was hired. I was honored to be considered in the same pool of the level of caliber of talent they brought on board (and honestly, I can’t fathom what I’d do today if I was in the role—I truly believe things happen for a reason). Just a few weeks later, the news about the Wells Fargo scandal broke. To me, it was so far away because of the level of integrity of the local team, yet, I called her to see how she was doing. She mentioned that it was a tarnish on the company and an opportunity for learning, but there was so much good her company and local leadership were doing in our community. She believed in the power of New Mexico. We continued to work closely together on community projects through the Corporate Volunteer Council. As I was going through my divorce, she’d check in to see how my kids and I were doing. I’d invite her over and she’d bring the kiddos with her. I dazzled them with my electronic typewriter and instant film camera (they wondered where these ancient devices came from), while I fitted her for her different looks. Every fashion event, her plus one was her daughter and I loved to see them together. She was so excited when I was showing in NYC…I don’t think she remembered that she had set those wheels in motion in just two years before. We were constantly checking in every couple of weeks. Knowing my involvement with non-profits and in small business, and the lack of funding to attend the social events required for networking business connections, she always made sure, if one was available, I’d have a seat at her table. She did this even when I would tease her that this introvert didn’t need to be out there any more with her being my brand ambassador. However, I’d occasionally take on her offer if it meant spending time together or being at an event where she was speaking or being honored at.

My life has been incredibly blessed by her presence in it. Her kindness, genuineness, beauty and humor have made me strive to be the best me. I know anyone who has encountered her presence in their lives can say the same. I will miss her snorts, her holiday bitmojis, her smile and welcoming presence. I love her ray of sunshine and she will always shine through me.

Please feel free to share your warm memories of Jennifer in the comments below.

With light and love, and today, a broken heart working on healing because I know she wouldn’t want it any other way. I am sending all my love and healing thoughts to her family.

Dara Sophia

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Poppin Tags

Having a sustainable wardrobe is easier than you think!

We’ve all heard about the doom and gloom of climate change, but one of the biggest culprits is the fashion industry. For many years, Fast Fashion, has been the easiest way for people to get the latest disposable trends without impacting their wallets. However, there is a cost to that $5 t-shirt or $10 jeans: one to the environment and to humanity. Recently, you have may have heard the news about H&M sitting on $4.3 BILLION in clothing because the fast fashion giant isn’t able to move their inventory. While getting that designer knock-off (oh wait, INSPIRED look), might be instant gratification or feeds that emotional spending habit, it is not without some thought.

Did you know:

  • According to Fashion Revolution, a typical pair of blue jeans consumes 919 gallons of water during its life cycle.
  • Plastic takes an average of 450 years to decompose; polyester a fabric made from plastic typically takes 200 years (goodoneyou.eco).
  • On April 24, 2013, Rana Plaza Factory in Bangladesh collapsed killing over 1,100 people and injuring over 2,500 people bringing light to the human cost of cheap labor (fashionista.com).

I know. I know. I really didn’t want to bring this to your attention…well, I actually did! Most consumers pay attention to what they put in their bodies, but why don’t they invest that same attention to what they wear as their second skin.

Having a sustainable closet doesn’t have to an overwhelming event. Here are a few things you can start doing (baby steps) to be proud of your wardrobe.

  1. The first thing to do is take an inventory of your closet. Break out your items in the following categories: Keep, Donate and/or Sell. Be realistic. Believe it or not, for some people there is an emotional connection to the items in their wardrobe (and this means you; if it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t be spending your time reading this). Ask yourself: when was the last time you wore the garment? How did it feel on? Is it a staple, investment piece or major trendy trend (really, even if you rocked those parachute pants in the 80’s, how realistic are they to be rocked again)? Does it feel overwhelming? Make sustainable changes in baby steps—here’s a short video on how to get started <<CLICK HERE>>.
  2. You pay attention to food labels, read consumer reports for safety records on everything else you invest in, why aren’t you reading your clothing labels? It’s a small step in feeling good about what you wear…and with the new trade war between the US and China, who knows how cheap those imports will continue to be. If you are really looking at organic, recycled and upcycled brands here are a few you may or may not be aware of: Levi Strauss & Co, Stella McCartney, Patagonia, People Tree, Threads For Thought, Groceries, Mavi Jeans, People Tree and of course, Hopeless + Cause Atelier (review sustainablefashiondirectory.com, for more designers and brands). These brands not only invest in sustainable practices, but several have built-in giving back components. Several also source their materials and manufacture in the good ol’ USA, further reducing that carbon footprint. The brands vary from athletic wear, to jeans, to high end fashion for both men and women—all your wardrobe needs…YOU’RE WELCOME.

    Hopeless + Cause Atelier Linen Raven Dress
  3. Investment pieces – really you should invest in items you are going to wear more often and really want to make a good first impression in. Go to your local boutique or indie retailer (my local favs are: Retail Therapy, Toad Road, Izzy Martin and Kii–and guess what they are in a 1 block radius)! What makes them stand out is that they know what they are talking about when it comes to sustainability because their business model is based on it. The owners are also typically the buyers and are constantly looking for brands that you won’t find in the typical department store. Many of the lines they carry have sustainability baked in—clothing lines that manufactured on demand so there isn’t inventory overrun, lines that focus on recycled or organic material sourcing, or provide investment back into the environment or support charitable causes. They are also the first to invest in local designers. If you are looking for that unique look that fits you perfectly, commission a designer. Maybe you have something that doesn’t quite fit right or maybe needs an overall transformation. Designers, alteration specialists and seamstresses, can make it work for you. If you have a disposable income for your wardrobe, why not invest in yourself while providing a livable wage for a small business owner…something you can feel good about!

    1960’s wedding dress converted to show stopping festival wear.
  4. If you are just starting out or don’t have a big budget for your wardrobe, you can still have a rocking closet. As Dr. Seuss so eloquently stated, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” You can have an incredible, sustainable wardrobe on a budget and without investing in throw-away fashion. It is as easy as Poppin’ Tags! Well now, that I’ve got Macklemore playing in your brain, thrifting is all about the hunt. And when you find that treasure, it’s an incredible rush (let me tell you—I’ve found YSL, Oscar de la Renta, Burberry and Diane Von Furstenberg at U-N-B-E-L-I-V-A-B-L-E prices). Many of the local thrift shops are tied to non-profit organizations so your money is having more impact than you know. At consignment shops, you can find higher end options and/or sell what no longer works for you. Don’t have time for the hunt there are great on-line options too. My favorite is Poshmark (more details in making your wardrobe work for you below) and my GF and fashionista blogger, Jamie Lewinger of More than Turquoise, recently made me aware of the on-line thrift megaplace, Swap.com.
  5. Finally, make your wardrobe work for you. Read the care labels, really do you need to wash your jeans after every wear? Most jean brands advise against it, saying you should only wash after 3-4 normal wears. Is the garment, dry clean only? Look for cleaners that follow eco-friendly processes, which means less chemicals against your skin and back into the environment. If you had a large pile in that “Sell” category, take it to your local thrift or consignment shop and see what you can get for these items. Some local, Albuquerque, options are: Two Time Couture, Buffalo Exchange and Platos Closet. You can also set up your own “closet” on Poshmark. All you need are the basics: a few photos, brand name, size, and colors. You set the price and when you receive an offer, accept it or counter it. If the sale is made, Poshmark provides the shipping label and you drop it in the mail and collect your cash. Make a deal with yourself. Instead of adding to your closet or giving into that emotional spending habit, decide that you will only buy a new item when you donate or sell another item first, thus freeing up prime real estate in your wardrobe. Even better, save up for that investment piece that you’ve been dying for. Remember, you are worth it. Make it social, invite your friends over for a clothing swap. Ask them to bring 10 items (clothing, shoes and/or accessories), pop open the bubbles and have an impromptu fashion show. You’ll have new finds and someone else can rock those parachute pants.

With light and love,

Dara

Resources:

flair.be/fr/lifestyle/adresses/10-situations-qui-nous-arrivent-a-toutes-quand-on-va-chez-action/
fashionrevolution.org
sustainablefashiondirectory.com
trustedclothes.com
nytimes.com/2018/03/27/business/hm-clothes-stock-sales.html
goodonyou.eco/material-guide-polyester-2
huffingtonpost.com/entry/ethical-clothing-brands-you-probably-didnt-know-about_us_59e61300e4b0a2324d1dfa71
fashionista.com/2018/04/rana-plaza-collapse-bangladesh-factory-safety-accord
fashionista.com/2018/04/sustainable-clothing-shopping-psychology

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I scream. You scream.

When was the last time you screamed?

…from the top of your lungs and with all your might? Didn’t it just feel good to just release whatever was bottled up inside? When my kids were smaller, I taught them if they were in pain (for example if the accidentally kicked the corner of a chair) to grab a pillow and scream into it with all their might and let it go. It was such a foreign concept. My daughter grabbed a hold of it and still to this day, follows this act. My son, however, still struggles with the idea of it. While screaming is cathartic for the beholder, others tends to react in a way of being annoyed by this behavior. It is taboo to scream in a crowed place unless the action taking place requires a similar reaction like a futbol game. And we’ve been so desensitized that most people often look the other way when someone screams in distress. Yet, growing up you may heard the phrase “I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream!” So, screaming can’t be entirely bad for you, right?!?

The kids and I recently took a road trip to Los Angeles for their spring break. It was something we had been planning for months and were so excited to head out of town. As my son and I jumped into the car and headed out to pick up my daughter, I sent her a text to be ready since we had 11 hours ahead of us. As we approached her house, she responded that she had just woken up and still needed to pack. I took a deep breath and said we needed to put gas and that we’d be there in 15 minutes. I asked her to be ready when we arrived. She wasn’t. We sat in the car waiting. The anticipation of finally getting out of town and knowing the road ahead of us was long, I was also frustrated because she and I had talked the night before about being ready by a specific time. By the time she had got to the car, I was doing my best to not explode. And then because she was as equally tense and frustrated, she made a comment that I don’t even remember, but it set me off. I talked about being responsible and being on time. She talked about her long week and sleepless nights. We weren’t listening to each other and trying to talk over each and it turned into a full out screaming match. It was a great way to start the trip, trapped in a car with emotions high. At that moment, none of us (especially my son) wanted to be there.  Three hours later, as we approached Gallup, New Mexico, we were us again. We stopped at our traditional road trip pit stop, Blake’s Lotaburger, and talked about lunch. We didn’t address the issues from before except to apologize and leave what happened in Albuquerque, in Albuquerque. The rest of the trip was great. My son drove, while I danced in the passenger seat (yes, I boogie in my seat…what can I say, I am the life of the party). My daughter slept in the back seat to catch up on what she had missed in the past week due to midterms. We got into town, settled in our room, and talked about plans for the next day.

The next day was a rainy California day. It never rains in Southern California, except when my son and I visit. We have decided that we are the cure to the Cali drought. Saturday was all about business. I offered the kids brunch if they went with me to the fabric district and helped me haggle for my needs. We fueled up and hit the store fronts. I loaded up on some exquisite options–I’m working on a wedding dress and the day before solidified plans with creative soulmate for another Albuquerque guerrilla photo shoot. Still not sure of the theme, except high fashion meets street, I found bright pops of color and fun accents. As we walked about my daughter squealed in delight with the scent of the food carts the grilled meats and onions tapped into her senses (even though she complained of a full stomach). After I made my purchases, we headed over to Santee Alley, where China meets Mexico, it’s such a meshing of cultures and a market place that could only live in Downtown LA. The rain really started to come down so we opted to go to find respite indoors at the MOCA (Museum of Contemporary Arts). I was excited by the collection of Brassai, Arbus and Goldin on exhibit. My favorite medium is photography and especially the unexpected. As we viewed the exhibits, I stumbled across an artist building her installation, we still here, there. Open for exploration, the exhibit focused on black life in South Central LA. French artists, music and language was also circling about my head. Culturally, I felt like I was all over the world, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my inspiration was a modern girl’s guide to life through a pop art lens.

Brushes with darkness won’t help you create
Your destiny of self but ARTPOP could mean anything, anything
I try to sell myself but I am really laughing
Because I just want the music <fashion>, not the bling

After our adventures we opted to stop by the corner Whole Foods and decided to have an indoor picnic back at the hotel. We got back to the room and we were in such a lighthearted mood, talking about our finds as we noshed on our feast. We talked about plans for the next day. It was supposed be nicer, weather-wise, so I suggested the beach. My daughter suggested more museums. My son said he’d be happy with anything. I secretly knew he was dying to return to Universal Studios, so I tracked down a discount via AAA and I bought the tickets. I could have sworn he was ten years younger. I haven’t seen him as happy and childlike as I did in that moment. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me so tight, saying, “thank you, momma”. I knew in that moment how much he meant it. I wanted to scream in pure delight but instead squeezed him back. The rest of the night it was incredible: sitting back and watching the two of them interact. Again, it felt like it was years before when they were much younger, they were so playful–teasing each other, laughing and just enjoying each other’s company. The room was filled with such incredible light energy and it was one of those rare moments that made my heart full.

Believe it not, we were up and ready by the time we committed to (I think because we were all like small children excited for the day–my son admitted he didn’t sleep well because he was so excited). We got to the park early and headed straight for Harry Potter Land (don’t judge). What my son and I realized from our visit the year before was that to bypass the lines we needed to ride as “single riders”. The three of us basically walked right to the front of the line and jumped on the ride. It was the first time my daughter had been there since the new attraction. As we talked about the rides, we realized we hadn’t been to the park together for almost 10 years. And again, I saw them through a different lens, on the outside they look like young adults, yet they were so youthful that day, like a movie montage where the adult turns back into a child. We hit the other rides in Harry Potter Land then went over to Springfield for the Simpson’s ride. Again, we were able to jump right on. I was reminded how much it sucks to get older as I felt like I had vertigo after getting off the ride. We headed down to the lower level and road what I decided was my favorite ride, the Mummy, it was an interactive roller coaster that traveled both forward and backwards. I screamed at the top of my lungs and laughed nervously (and didn’t look at the photo capture after the ride because I know I looked a fool). We then went and rode the Transformers ride and to my daughter’s displeasure, went on the Jurassic Park ride. She had an adverse experience on the ride when she was much smaller…okay the animatronic T-rex scared the bejezus out of her. She survived and we headed back to the upper level to the Despicable Me ride (bananas!) and totally avoided the Walking Dead attraction. I WISH!!! I think my son likes to make me walk through the attraction because I scream so much it reminds him of this Ellen show.

Remember, I am the life of the party. We rounded out the day with the Back Lot Tour and some Butter Beer. We all talked about how perfect the day was. The weather was ideal (overcast, no rain, lower 70s with a breeze) and we honestly didn’t wait for more than 20 minutes for any given ride. I don’t recall any time we had gone to any theme park and were able to go on all the rides and hit all the places we wanted to see like we did this day. It was still early so we agreed that we wanted to go see Black Panther. We got our seats and got some popcorn and watched what was a really good super hero movie (I do watch other genres but I’m always down for cheering on someone wanting to save the world). We dropped off my daughter at her friends’ house that evening. My son and I drove back to the hotel talking about our day and high points (I have made it a habit to always ask about high points and low points of the day). We both couldn’t believe how perfect it was and I grinned from ear to ear. He and I were leaving back to New Mexico the next day so we headed to bed early.

I woke that morning and decided to head out to Redondo Beach before hitting the road. A few blocks from the beach was a church, St. James, so I decided to stop and reflect on my visit. The door was wide-open so I walked in and took a seat at a pew. I silently shared my gratitude and a few prayers for a safe trip home while admiring the stained glass, architecture and sculptures. I felt an immense amount of solace in that moment. A few minutes later, I got back in the car and made my way to public parking. It was still relatively early in the morning and there were only a few people out. It was so incredibly peaceful and serene. I exhaled a deep breath, a scream without the sound behind it. It was such a release of joy and happiness.

We hit the road mid-day and because no travel that I’m involved with can’t be without Ms. Adventures moments, we were stopped by New Mexico State Police outside of Grants, NM about 11:15pm (so close to home). Originally, my son was stopped for speeding, but then the officer ran the plates and came back asking for the keys to the car and our driver’s license because the car was reported as stolen. I raised my voice and asked, “are you kidding me, it’s a rental car and I gave you the contract?” After talking with the rental company and handing over the phone so the officer could talk to the representative. He let us go (which I was reminded by my colleagues that if it were them, they would have had guns drawn—yikes!). My son was completely bummed thinking what bad luck he had. I informed him it wasn’t bad luck; it was a story we would laugh about once we got home.

The past few months I’ve wanted to scream out of frustration, stress and anger, but that weekend I was taken back to when I would scream for excitement and pure enjoyment. When I scream for pain, I’ll grab a pillow, but next time I open my lungs it will be for happiness…remembering that saying, “I scream. You scream. We all scream for…” What excites you that you will scream for?

With light and love!

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Mercy or Merci

What do you do when the woman who had an affair with your husband and currently lives with your ex wants to sign up for your blog?

I happened upon this fact a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to determine why my website email capture form wasn’t connecting to my mail chimp account based on a comment a colleague made when she didn’t get my blast about NYFW and had signed up. There was the evidence blaring, like a pimple filled with puss and ready to pop, the woman’s email address. I don’t personally know her email address, but I assumed it was her since it included her first name and part of her last name. According to the reporting function, she went out to my website on November 29, 2017, signed up and confirmed her desire to follow me. It made me think, “why would someone want to follow the woman her live-in boyfriend was married to?” And, since she “opted in”, do I ask her “why?”

Could it be because I’m SO absolutely fabulous and graceful?

How about the fact that I have a huge heart and I truly look for the good in everything and just get excited by life?

Or maybe because I’m a pretty damn strong and independent woman?

After pondering this thought, I had the sneaky suspicion none of these were the case. As I analyzed the “why”, as I do with everything, I ultimately decided to write about it. To put my thoughts on paper or type them into my blog; this is cathartic for me. I also know, as much as I think I’m the only person in the world that has dealt with all the adversity I have in the past couple of years, I know I’m not. So, if this provides a safe space of resonating for someone else out there then once again I am happy to share my experience to let that person know that they are not alone. It was also important to call out the big ass elephant in the room.

I don’t know this woman. I met her for the first time at my son’s graduation party in May 2017 although I recently learned she had a relationship with my children’s father since the year before. She was his soccer team manager. We were married 22 years and he coached soccer for 17 of those years. I was never jealous of him working with soccer moms, because I trusted him. While we divorced in December 2016, records indicated they had something several months before when he started buying her flowers, Coach and Victoria Secret. Most men don’t do that for their soccer team managers. I only found out about her and their relationship 8 months later, two days before the graduation party when I was traveling to Austin, TX for a runway show and I received a text message from him saying to check my email. The email said:

“I wanted to give you a heads up and wanted to confirm you’re ok with this

Im bringing my girlfriend and her daughter to our son’s graduation party this Sunday.  I cleared it with him weeks ago and asked him again yesterday just to be assured.  He’s met her before.  I just need to ensure you’re ok with this even though it may be awkward and uncomfortable for you and I don’t want you or i to cause a scene.”

What was interesting about this message was that two days before I received this email, at our son’s honor assembly, we discussed who we were inviting. He had the perfect opportunity to tell me then and still took this honorable and respectful approach (yes, that was sarcasm). I also loved how he said he was doing me the favor of ensuring I’m okay with it even though it may be awkward and uncomfortable for me and insinuated that I would cause a scene. Really quite kind, right?!? Then, things started to click. When we got a divorce, it was mutual dissolution. We were on different paths. In fact, while we were going through mediation, I wrote him my last love letter. In this letter, I shared my hopes for him in finding someone that loves him the way he needs to be loved. I continued through the process making the commitment to be open, honest and to treat each other with respect. This was the first time, I thought, he disrespected me openly, but it wasn’t just me. It was my son and my family. He made the day more about himself than who should have been the center of attention. They made it a show at the party running around the room and at one point, people brought it to my attention, that she was sitting at the table crying. I couldn’t fathom what kind of selfish people do that?

After that day, the real story started to unfold and for the next 8 months were things that happened that I knew in my gut were off or flat out lies, but it wasn’t until I received financial records that I found out how true, and in some cases, how manipulative, and wicked they were. After the divorce was finalized, I moved on–my focus was me, my children, my career and those important in my life. I was sincere when I said I would be open, honest and a friend to him if he needed it. On the day that our divorce was finalized, he was asking me what I wanted for Christmas, and yet, celebrating in Durango, CO, properly prepping for the trip with Victoria’s Secret purchases, women’s salon and nail appointments. Two weeks later, I learned based on an internet post (that he wrote to show the team’s volunteerism) that he took this woman and the team to decorate one of my favorite non-profits–the non-profit organization that I served on the board for and took him to for 15 years to decorate every Christmas.

Less than a month later, I took my son to Universal Studios for his birthday in January 2017. The kids’ dad offered to house sit to watch my pups. As we hit the road, he talked about his depression, and so badly at one point, that I offered to turn around and take him to California with us. He said he’d be fine but throughout the rest of the weekend he talked about his depression, sadness and being alone. I offered to talk to him, as a friend, when I returned. He said he’d like that. Then on the night we were returning, I asked him how it was going. He mentioned sleeping on the couch because sleeping in my bed with my scent would have messed with his head and I understood that. However, that next day, according to what I later learned, he went and spent a good sum of money at Bath and Body Works. Now, after everything, I can’t help to think  it was to buy items from the Sensual line, but they weren’t for me. He didn’t take up the offer to talk through his depression either. A week after we returned, he asked me how much the tickets to Universal Studios were and how long the drive was. Thinking how awesome it was that he was going to take the kids to California and spend some time with them, I happily responded with the information. After talking with the kids, he didn’t offer to take them and then seeing the financials, there was a charge for our favorite restaurant in Santa Monica. I don’t understand why, if you are trying to move on you’d go back to the same place of memories. Without knowing this trip occurred, I received a text message from him telling me he was having a bad week, so I asked him where his “landing place” was—the place he could go to when the world was falling apart. He told me it was the family trip we had to Florida. That it was perfect, and it the happiest he’s ever been. Throughout this time, I told him I felt that he needed to talk to a therapist because I was concerned with his depression based his comments of, “being tired of living”. As much as I tried to be there for him, he obviously didn’t feel comfortable talking to me. Then a week or so later, I received a message that I didn’t understand where he was coming from. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I now have a better understanding as to why I received it.

Just before bed on April 24, 2017, I received a message from him asking if I was awake. I responded that I was heading to bed but asked if he needed something. He went on to ask me if I’m happy. I responded, “happy with what?” He explained with my life. I responded that being happy is a choice you make and it’s hard work but no one else can do that for you. He went talking about his guilt and all the bad times he brought in my life and how he never wanted to hurt me. He talked about no matter what, “how I’ll always be his true love…and how his heart and chest hurts from sleeping alone and being alone in this world.” He continued on to tell me that he wished “we could leave this crummy place”. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know where this was coming from. And all the actions he had shown me was that he was wanting to move on. I told him to get some sleep and to think about what he’s saying.

The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her. Bob Marley

It was when I received the text message to check my email about bringing his girlfriend to the party that I had the “what the fuck is this person doing” moment. After the party, I sent him an email telling him how slimy it was for him to send those messages to me because he obviously wasn’t sleeping alone and I’m sure he wasn’t telling her that he did this, and that it was plain cowardly. He could have responded with “you know you are right, I was confused and I was trying make a mends with my past” or “he could have said that was an asshole move and I apologize”. Instead he said, “you’re right. I don’t deserve to be happy.” It wasn’t until I returned from NYC this February that I realized the real reason behind this message. Three days after I received the stream of text messages, I found there was a charge to Curtis Boyd MD. I googled this name and came to the conclusion that it was one of two things: 1) after 24 years of knowing each other, in his darkest time, he couldn’t even be honest with me about what was going on and ask for a friend; 2) or, it was manipulation and he was deflecting what was really happening. Why should I expect to be told the truth by him? Physical abuse is easy to identify, the scars appear on the surface. Emotional and mental abuse are not apparent on the skin and they scar deep down. I do not use this word lightly. I set boundaries after our divorce, yet my kindness and who I am was manipulated and abused. I also get it; it’s spite, “look, I’m doing better without you”. That’s fine if that’s what gets you through the night. Sadly, it was not just me.

On January 27, 2017, my son split his thumb open so I took him to urgent care. I immediately informed his father of this. His response, “please keep me posted, I’m in freaken Santa Fe”. I said I would and paid the copay. However, his financial records show he was in Albuquerque spending hundreds on dinner, and shopping that day. When the urgent bill came, three months later, I agreed to split the charge and paid my share to him immediately. In May, the bill was now redirected in my name. Nothing had been paid toward the balance. I questioned him on it. It came again in my name in June. He said he couldn’t afford to pay it off and said he contacted the billing department to make the change. He paid a small amount to the balance, not the half I had already given him and he changed the responsible party, not to him, but to our son because as he stated, “he is now 18 years old”. For the next 4 months, he made no payments toward the bill putting our son’s credit at risk with the past due amount that was now over 120 days old. Knowing he had no desire to resolve the issue or protect our son, I paid the balance informing him that he now made a profit off our son’s medical bill. Then and only then, did he pay me back. For a good majority of the year there were excuses for missing major events in the kids lives, shaming them for asking for help, telling me and them that he couldn’t afford to provide support and that they were old enough to support themselves, borrowing money, and over-drafting my son’s account. Yet month after month, there was no problem spending thousands on eating out and retail sales, and nothing was for them.

In August and October, my daughter was in two car accidents. Because of the shape of her vehicle after the 2nd accident, law enforcement had the vehicle towed to an impound lot even after I had requested to utilize my AAA for the tow back to her house. However, they could not release it to us due to protocol. Knowing the costs associated with getting a vehicle out of impound from a recent news report I saw, I asked her to contact the lot and find out the amount and how we get it out. She did but she also decided to reach out to her father for help. The cost ended up being $205 and since the vehicle was in his name, he had to be the one present to have it released. He told her he could not afford to get it out. He also told her he could not help take her because he was at work and couldn’t cancel soccer practice to go with her. Extremely upset, she called me back not sure what to do. I told her to breathe; we’d figure it out. I informed my employer of the situation and left. I pulled the money out of my IRA and contacted the impound lot. I called the representative and they confirmed that it needed to be the owner of the vehicle, but then she paused and asked why he couldn’t do it. I took a deep breath and said, honestly and openly, “because he’s an asshole.” She laughed and said she knew a few of those and stated if he could send an email releasing the vehicle to my daughter, with a copy of the title, registration and driver’s license of the owner, they would release it. We followed those instructions. I called AAA and we had it towed back to her house. He didn’t have time or money to help her, but he was able to scrounge up $350 for a limousine the next weekend for his girlfriend’s daughter’s birthday. He also paid for a rental during that same period, but not once offered to get her a rental car while hers car was out of commission.

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them. Dalai Lama

After I wrote the blog, Who Knew, about my mother’s death, I received a response from a friend that leads the local grief center, informing me that “so many neural connections are being formed until the age of 25, even though kids in their early 20’s are technically “adults” – biologically they are not – and trauma and loss experienced at that age impacts their life-long development”. I believe in similar impact my kids faced with the trauma they have experienced from this hurt and betrayal. This trauma has the power to change their brains and every day functioning. My fear is that they repress their emotions and not have a positive outlet to discuss how they feel, or they act out in unhealthy ways and risky behaviors. This is what keeps me up at night. No one should have that power over someone else, especially someone you love and thought loved you. My goal is to ensure I provide the best support to my children to help the lead healthy, happy and productive lives and I will be damned if I let him continually lie to and hurt them.

We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. Elie Wissel

I’m tired of being silent to hide this behavior. I will no longer be disrespected and allow my children to feel that they are unworthy, being lied to and being disrespected with the carrot being over their head, that his love is conditional if they question him on being accountable and being lied to. And I’m so FUCKING tired of not being left alone to live my life. Every time my life is at the pinnacle of happiness and success, this person has to inject his callous and malicious behavior in order to cause havoc in my life. This is not okay. And now his girlfriend wants to follow me?!?

So, I decided to respond to her “opt in” to my blog and here’s what I have to say…

What would you do?

What do you do when the woman who had an affair with your husband and currently lives with your ex wants to sign up for your blog?

I found it interesting that I stumbled upon your email address when I was exporting a recent sign up sheet from my website. And I’m curious about the posed questions but also, I want to know why you are interested in learning more about me? Did you want to find out for yourself whether all the horrible things, I know he has said about me, were indeed true? Do you have a sense of insecurity about your relationship?

I’m going to give you some unsolicited and unapologetic advice and state some pretty clear boundaries.

I don’t know you and I have no desire to ever know you. What I do know, is that you are a cliché. As a mother, one would think that you’d have ethical boundaries to not get involved with someone who was still married and moreover, would find it acceptable to have hierarchical working relationship with someone you are intimately involved with for an organization whose focused goal is “creating a strong, complete soccer player, coupled with the instillation of high moral value and character…” Maybe you didn’t read that when you signed up to be part of this club? What a wonderful role model for the team and organization you are.

You came to my son’s graduation party, shook my hand and looked me in the eyes, saying, “pleasure to meet you”, knowing you had been having an affair, had been providing him advice on how to move forward with the divorce and had been deceiving not only my children but your own child on your indecency. You’ve got to know, a relationship built on secrecy and deceit only evolves into more secrecy, distrust and deceit. Maybe that’s why you feel you have to follow me? If you are wanting to follow my blog because you are insecure in this way and think I want anything to do with him. Let me make this perfectly clear, I DO NOT. My eyes have been completely opened by his actions in the past year in and a half. The only reason I even communicate with him is because of my children. I only communicate with him through email because what I have found is that he is a compulsive liar. He is manipulative and shows no remorse for his actions. He has hurt so many people I love, who have not only loved him but have done all they can for him. Yet, he still deflects everything to everyone else, playing the victim. When I called him out on sending me messages–being his true love, wanting to runway with me, telling the kids that he doesn’t support you or your daughter, and the house he bought on his own is not yours–while having a relationship with you, his response, “you’re correct. I don’t deserve to be happy”, not an “I’m sorry this was a shitty thing to do”.

I also understand that you are glad that his attorney “is attacking me at my throat”. Why? Because I’ve had to seek representation to ensure he keeps his legal obligation since he has chosen not to keep his commitments and lies at every opportunity? Or is it because I want to ensure my kids are cared for, since he can’t do it on his own? I’m sure I can guess the real reason. As an opportunist, it cuts into what he can offer to you.

Continue to work on your “struggle of keeping your mouth shut” when it comes to my kids. I also understand that you were mad that he was helping his son with a car after it was totaled in a recent accident–an accident he was so fortunate to walk away from without any injuries?!? Why? Was it because my son questioned him about his lies just weeks before the accident (but I’m sure you weren’t informed about that) or was it because it put a pause on the Land Rover or Mini Cooper you suggested he buy your daughter? Treat my children with the respect that they deserve. You are the adult coming into their lives. You are the one that had the affair with their father while he was married to their mother. Because of that, you need to earn their respect. It is not given. Be the adult and don’t whine if they don’t jump at your feet. They will know your insincerity. Focus on your daughter. I’m sure she’s dealing with her own issues about your relationship and latest pregnancy. As much as you may think you can, you can’t buy love. Having a child with someone doesn’t mean they will be committed to you. I would have thought you would have learned that the first time around. These are realities of life and will repeat until you learn those lessons.

Maybe your ego believes this won’t happen to you, but honey you’re in the honeymoon phase, where he’s trying to impress you and make you think he has more than he does. What happens when he’s no longer able to afford the monthly nail appointments, shopping, trips, and eating out all the time, and he starts complaining about having to work all the time and paying for all the expenses. Ask him at what age he feels his financial responsibility ends and makes his love conditional as he’s done to all his children? This is his pattern of behavior. I met him when he said he no longer had a relationship with his first son’s mother. Yet, after we were married, I received a call from his son’s mother informing me that he was lying to me and that they were still sleeping together. His response was that she was crazy. As I look back and after all he has said and done, I have no doubt that she was the one telling the truth.

So, what I am saying is don’t follow me. The only thing we had in common, I’ve happily let go of.

This may seem harsh, but enough is enough. Live your life. Stay out of mine.

Merci,

Dara Sophia Romero

Posted on

Ms Adventure

It’s been four days since the Hopeless + Cause Atelier AW18 collection reveal to Society Fashion Week during New York Fashion Week. I am still reeling from the incredible experience. I was invited to participate as a designer just following my showing in September and after sharing feedback and hearing the ideas for this show, I immediately made the commitment to return and reached out to my incredible team of models and beauty professionals. Some responded just as quickly with their confirmations, others, because of the costs involved, weren’t able to make the journey again.  And, I completely understood their response. I am not a full-time designer. I have a wonderful career doing empowering ,but demanding, work. I have two college students that have needs to be met and funding my passion project comes from my bespoke work and what I can put aside after I pay my bills. So, after setting up a payment plan, I got to work.

The inspiration for the next season always comes to me just following or in the midst of the current season. For AW18, Hopeless + Cause Atelier’s woman was going to travel down the rabbit hole through her own Ms. Adventures. It was a loose adaptation of the Alice in Wonderland adventures. References describe this phenomena, as entering situations or beginning a journey that is particularly strange, problematic or chaotic especially becoming more difficult as the story unfolds. This lead me to creating possibilities out of impossibilities, living larger than life, and overcoming fears to seek out your personal truths. It translated to fitted demure dresses, fuzzy fabrics, over-sized pants and florals, yes over-sized, over patterned, out of season floral fixation for autumn and winter.

Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and the ticking clocks gonna
Come back and take you home
I could not stop, that you now know, singing
Come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities am I
A part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing - Clocks, Coldplay

I do it all…from design to conception; yes, it’s me and my Brothers sewing machine. Because I work a day job, I reserve the evening and weekends for sewing. If you have OCD, or don’t completely understand the creative mind, the rest of this blog is going to make you very uncomfortable. It may increase your heart rate, make you sweat, or make you a little nauseous, but for those of you who are brave at heart, keep on reading. I’ve said this before. I have something similar to what is described as writers block for writers. I have the equivalent for designers. I can only create when I am in the right frame of mind and I do much better under pressure. With that being said, I will preface my work by saying I completed all my fittings with my Albuquerque models the week before I left for New York. However, that represented only half of my model team, so as I packed my bags, they included the fitted pieces as well as the shells or as Laura, my BFF and counterpart this trip, stated, “little squares of fabric”. I flew out on the Thursday night red-eye, a great non-stop flight into NYC but not so great when you are sleep deprived. You also have to understand, I not only serve as the designer and seamstress for this line, but I’m also the PR team. This means I’m working with the model and beauty team and trying to work my side to get press and showrooms to the show meaning I am working on my computer in the early and late hours getting emails out, posting on social media and following up with everyone. I had a couple of models who suddenly became MIA in the last month and that instantly meant to me they were no longer able to participate (one, just a week before the show) and I had to fill those slots. I also had a couple of MUAs that I hadn’t heard from that I needed to fill in and that task ended up being more difficult to secure than the models.

"I stand on the sacrifices of a million women before me thinking 'what can I do to make this mountain taller so women after me can see farther'. - legacy" Rupi Kaur

I arrived in NYC at 5:51am. I probably slept 1-2 hours on the plane. After waiting for the shuttle and making the route to the hotel. I was dropped off closer to 9am. Thank God Laura arrived the day before, so I was able to go right up to the room and set up shop. My fittings began at 11:30am and continued until 5pm that day. I spent the time between appointments sewing, tailoring and totally redesigning looks. Laura was so gracious to play tourist during the day and left me at the hotel to get to work. She returned about 6pm and around 7pm we stepped out to grab a bite to eat. With finalizing the looks on both our minds, we returned to the hotel and I got back to work. Churning out garment after garment, I think Laura watched me through two lens: awe and anxiety. I was more than half way through when at midnight the sewing machine needle broke in my finger. Thank God it only broke in the fleshy part of my index finger. However, it was a total, “oh fuck” moment as I realized I hadn’t packed any additional sewing needles and I had 5 garments to finish. We took a deep breath and pondered where could we get a sewing needle in NYC at midnight. First, we called a 24-hour CVS, the woman we spoke to said they had a sewing section, but she couldn’t go back and check because she was the only one that was working the front of the store at that time. We talked about walking over there, but if they didn’t have it we would have wasted 15 minutes and then had to go with plan B. Plan B – take a Lyft to a 24-hour Walmart in New Jersey. We jumped into Muhammad’s Toyota Camry and took a 25-minute drive into another state, and ran into Walmart. I headed to find the sewing section; Laura to get snacks for this all-nighter. We met in the front. I properly instastoried the event, we paid for our goods and headed back to NYC. Interesting side thought---Buffalo Wild Wings is the happening place in New Jersey at 12:30am—the place was packed. HA, suburbia!

We got back to the hotel room and our $1.97 sewing needle need turned into a $120 adventure, but was well worth it. I got back to work. I think by that time we had burnt through The Hangover and Step Brothers. Pirates of the Caribbean was on when we returned (I need background noise). I wrapped up the last dress at 4:51am and was grateful that security hadn’t been called because of the sewing machine noise into the wee hours of night and early morning. I sent a message (I’m sure barely coherent) to the model and beauty team and sent my music and logo to the production team before falling asleep for two hours. At 7:15am, I pulled myself out of bed, threw on a hat and sweats on and proceeded downstairs to greet everyone. The team was there ready to go. I informed the models that we’d focus on hair first and that they may need to do their own make up because I wasn’t able to find proper replacements in time for the show. I grabbed a rack and then Laura and I headed upstairs to gather the clothing and steamer. The next 2 ½ hours were spent steaming, fitting, pairing the right jewelry and corralling the team into the line up and providing tips on their walk. At one point, it also included modifying sleeves because they were not working properly. Nothing like cutting and seam ripping to get properly in the mood. LOL! The music I chose for this show was White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane, Clocks by Coldplay, and another more industrial version of White Rabbit by Emiliana Torrini. It was slower paced and almost had a military beat to create that intense stride for the models to follow.

Photo by Brad Altman

Photo by Jim Stevens

A little after 10am we were asked to proceed to the staging area. What always seems like forever and a day, we waited until our turn to take the stage. The room was warm with all that body heat and layers, but the models finally took the stage one-by-one and then the finale, as a group. I loved that there were so many different models represented this season, every model unique and absolutely beautiful. And like that, the show was over. We headed to the red carpet for photo and media opportunities. I had a moment to relish all the work we put into this show. My grin matched that of the Cheshire Cat as I looked on in awe. This feat was accomplished by so many traveling to NYC from all over the country. There were road trips, last minute model replacements, husbands volunteering their time as photographers and again, one of my best friends serving as my right hand support. Throughout the day, I was receiving messages of love and support, friends and followers were watching along on the Facebook live link with their warm comments. While I wasn’t able to respond immediately, I hope "you" know how much they were appreciated. I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping before we headed out that afternoon. Laura and I talked through the event and I shared my deep gratitude for her help. This was her first time in NYC and she spent so much time jumping in right where I needed her, and her assistance was priceless. The models and photographers grabbed some of the looks and photographed around town because why in the hell not, you are in NYC. We spent the rest of the weekend playing tourist, catching up and I started working on my next commissioned projects getting fabric and trim. I didn’t go to any other shows this time around only because I so needed the rest, yet still had a soul filling visit. I’ve intentionally spent the last 7 months focusing on gratitude. Spending time each morning to say 10 things I’m grateful for. I typically don’t share these blessings, but I feel compelled to do so today because my cup of blessings is truly overflowing:

I am grateful that my work takes me to places I love.
I am grateful that I was given another opportunity to show H+CA during New York Fashion Week and that I could add on the talents of Meri Fox-Szauter (hand painted design) and Found in ABQ (jewelry).
I am grateful for Amber, Carmen, Elise, Em, Hunter, Kimia, Kristen, Jamie, Jimmie, Leif, Noelle, Reanna, Shelby, Sofi, Whitney, Justine, Monica, Nichole, Jim and Brad, who traveled to make this show a reality.
I am grateful to Laura, who not only joined me in this adventure, but also helped to keep my sanity in check.
I am grateful for all the prayers and well wishes I received.
I am grateful for my children who, on the daily, inspire me to live my best life.
I am grateful for compliments, especially when you are very beautiful and wise are used in the same sentence.
Believe it or not, I am grateful for 24-hour Walmarts (even though I don’t like their employment practices).
I am grateful that St. Patrick’s Cathedral is around the corner and I get to start the season of detox and renewal there.
I am grateful for my belief and understanding that this is just the beginning of wonderful things to come.

Thank you for joining me in this Ms. Adventure. Next stop London.

Until then,

With light and love!

Posted on

Who Knew

As I prepare the Hopeless + Cause Atelier autumn/winter 2018 collection for New York Fashion Week, I’ve been reviewing past shows and photos from the runway. It used to bother me SO incredibly much when there was an empty seat in the front row. As a designer, you want the photography to come across as a full house, sold out show. After the first show, I made sure to provide explicit directions to my production team to get those seats filled with volunteers or move someone up to the front row. And no matter what, I’d get the photographers beautiful shots and there’d be this blaring emptiness that would come through (I’d be backstage or so in the moment, I’d never notice during the event). Then last week, I looked at this photo and it hit me; I learned the importance of an empty seat.

Photography by Kate the Photographer

I had one of those crazy full moon nights that turned into a horrific week. We all do. However, have you had one of those weeks where you’ve felt something in your gut for a long time, but you didn’t want to believe to be true? Sadly, it was and worse. The following few days were a distraction to focus, yet I knew that in the end not focusing would only impact me and my goals for New York.

“love does not look like a person
love is our actions
love is giving all we can
even if it’s just the bigger slice of cake
love is understanding
we have the power to hurt one another
but we are going to do everything in our power
to make sure we don’t
love is figuring out all the kind sweetness we deserve
and when someone shows up
saying they will provide it as you do
but their actions seem to break you rather than build you
love is knowing whom to choose”
From What Does Love Look Like, The Sun and Her Flowers, Rupi Kaur

I reached out to my dearest loved ones and they provided incredible support, yet there was someone I wish I could have talked to. It will be 22 years on June 22 since my mom died and there are days where I think maybe I shouldn’t be still so sad and feeling so much loss after all these years and I should be over it because it’s a natural part of life. I opened up the next advice column from Dear Sugar in Tiny Beautiful Things. The writer spoke about his soon-to-be wife and the absence in her life without her mom. He asked for advice because while “she’s normally joy on wheels; her mother’s death is always lurking” and he didn’t know how to support her. He asked Sugar, since she lost her mother at a young age, for advice to best support his finance. As I read Sugar’s response, my tear drops stained the pages. She talked about her experience after her mother died and finding a jar of rocks her mom collected and recalling memories as a child with her siblings collecting them for her. She wondered what she did with those rocks and now with her mother gone, she wondered what she’d do with them. Were they her connection to her mother? She went on describing how, in the months after her mother died, she tried to “crack the code”, how she could move on with her life knowing it’s okay without her.

My mother died two weeks before my 23rd birthday and I remember wishing I had been gifted one last letter or birthday card. But how could she, her body taken over by cancer, she was so sick and in so much pain. A few years later, the movie, P.S. I Love You, was released and I was obsessed, I so wished that my mom had left me a trail of letters letting me know I was going to be okay and it was going to be okay without her. I think I watched that movie at least 6 times while it was in the theaters. My mother’s death forever changed how I approached life. I’ve chosen to live my life without regrets. Something you truly want is worth the risk and whether you are better off or totally destroyed by it, you will learn from it. I have chosen to not be afraid to share how I feel. A few years ago, I took the Love Languages quiz and I wasn’t surprised to learn that I desire love in the form of service…actions are stronger than words. I tend to share my feelings, good, bad and the ugly (my daughter calls me an emotional cancer—the astrological sign not the disease). I believe people should know how you feel. I want the people who I love to know exactly where I stand and those who are trying to hurt me, or anyone in my heart, I want them to know this type of behavior is not okay. I tend to ensure my actions are in line with my words. I decided for my kiddos birthdays I would give them several gifts. It’s not what you think, they were small but important things I wanted to present them to remind them that they are found in every day life. In my last blog, I spoke of giving my son the gift of following your passion. The first gift he received was the gift of time.

Time is finite. If I am overwhelmingly blessed, I will share the next 60 years with you, but I will live and love you like today is my last. My love, it is important to me that I raise you to know how much you are loved, how much you are valued and how much I believe in you. I will die hoping that I instilled the following values—that when difficulties came, instead of running like a coward you faced them head on; you always spoke your truth while being kind; that you loved more that you ever thought you could; and lived your life to the fullest. Today, is God’s gift to me, so I hope every time you look at this gift you will remember that.

I believe in the power of writing love notes. I’ve never believed in the commercialized holiday to share your love with overpriced flowers, candy and stuffed animals. Not getting a reservation at your favorite restaurant because men and women are trying to impress someone else by being out and being seen on this day. Why do you need someone else to tell you what day to love someone? A few gifts of love, that have been my all-time favorite to receive are the deep conversations I’ve had where I’ve really learned about the other person and they’ve really heard me. On a few occasions, they lasted until the sun came up. I remember dancing so close, I felt my heart beat becoming one with my dance partner. Another wonderful gift is taking walks or hikes in the mountains and stopping to pick a wildflower or breathing in the awe and wonder of the world. These have come from romantic love and love grown out of my heart.

That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes

It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory

You visit me in my sleep

That empty seat at my shows maybe is meant to be there. Maybe it’s to remind me that while there might be someone missing in my life, it’s open for someone to come and fill it, or maybe it will never be filled and it shouldn’t be. 

My darling
Who knew

With light and love,

P.S. Here is the link for The Black Arc of It. I highly recommend this read, but you will need tissue. Who Knew written and performed by P!nk

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I See You

Did you watch the Golden Globes? I always watch the red carpet to see what everyone is wearing. The other bonus to the Golden Globes is the fact that the event includes alcohol at the table, so I tend to watch it to see what faux pas occur thoughout the evening. Last year, it was announcing, La La Land was the movie of the year when it was actually Moonlight (not sure that alcohol played a role in that mistake, but it definitely was a faux pas). This year it was a little different.

“Women think of all colors except the absence of color. I have said that black has it all…” Coco Chanel

Women and some men dressed in all black in solidarity to make a statement about sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The black reminded me of my middle school or high school days when I learned about students protesting the Vietnam War by wearing black armbands (another thing you may not have known about this designer, is that she is a history buff as well). As I started to write this blog, I had to Google the background on this event…it’s been a few years, okay?!! According to Wikipedia, this protest occurred in 1965 by students between the ages of 8 (yes, EIGHT YEARS OLD) and 16. They were protesting the Vietnam War and supporting the Christmas Truce called for by Robert F. Kennedy. All but the elementary students were disciplined and suspended; they would be allowed to return to school if they complied with the request to remove their armbands. They chose not to and a suit by the Iowa Civil Liberties Union was filed. This suit went all the way to the US Supreme Court where it was to be decided whether to protect the students right to freedom of speech. For those who aren’t familiar with this case, it set precedence for schools censoring speech based on perceived disruption in the classroom. This was how children, who are often told to be seen not heard, revolutionized the way we bring about change in the world through a small but bold fashion statement.

The program was on while I was writing my short story, Wrong Girl. I have been encouraged for a number of years to write about my life, adventures and encounters. I decided 2018 would be the year to focus on that story, even if it’s only to start with the past few years. As much as I wanted to share my story, I’ve had this gnawing doubt and fear that no one would want to read it. As I was incorporating the next section, Cowardly Acts, Oprah Winfrey was called to the stage to be recognized for the Cecil B. DeMille Award. I stopped typing and looked up to give the television my full attention as she spoke. As many described afterwards, she spoke with elegance, she spoke in a presidential manner, and she spoke authentically, as she has done for many years. However, there was one line that I feel she saw me and was speaking directly to me.

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.” Oprah Winfrey

She talked about the Time’s Up and the Me Too movements. She talked about people who have felt they didn’t have a voice, who have been silenced by the powerful, and gave way to a “New Horizon”. In that instant, I realized that whether or not my story is read by just me or 1 million, it is my story and my truth. I went on that evening and completed 27 pages before going to bed. The next day after work, I came home and searched YouTube to find and re-watch her speech. I found something more. I found the backstage press room video where she was able to answer questions from the Hollywood Foreign Press and others. There were great questions from “what is the greatest lesson you’ve learned through your life and career” to “what humbles you” to “what wisdom can you share with the future generation of entertainers”. My favorite was “what advice would you give your seven-year old self”. What she shared is that as a 7-year old, she was a sad little girl and that all her real love came from her teachers.

“You have no idea the power of noticing another human being and what it feels like when they have been seen, truly seen, by you.” Oprah Winfrey

I remember being “seen” by teachers and mentors and those who truly SAW what, at times, I couldn’t even see. A few years ago, I developed an incredible friendship with someone who believed in my power so adamantly that it scared me deeply because I was afraid I wasn’t good enough or going to be able to live up to those expectations–the good ol’ impostor syndrome. I was reminded often that I shouldn’t question myself, even when I was questioned at home which always led me to internal doubt. He challenged me often to think about how I was going to change the world and would send the following quote as a reminder on more than one occasion, “if you realized how beautiful you are you would fall at our own feet.” The first time I went out to a social event after the store closed–still feeling like I had really failed, and basically, pulling myself out of bed because of a bout of depression–I was apprehensive to be out and socializing. I didn’t really want to be there but I also knew I had to face my fears and anxiety. That evening, when I was left alone while my date and bff went to get me a glass of wine from the bar, I stood there pretending to look at my phone, so I didn’t look entirely like a wall flower. I felt this intense weight on me coming from afar. I looked up and across the field, I saw this person, who I hadn’t seen in months, but who was encouraging me to still be out there moving forward, was looking at me. We caught eyes and he smiled. In that moment, I felt the full weight of that quote, not because of the outward beauty, but in the internal beauty we all carry. He didn’t see my failure; I felt he still saw me. That feeling is addictive and I enjoy sharing that drug…helping others see how beautiful they are.

In Oprah’s professional career, she made sure that whomever she interviewed, whether famous or infamous, was made to feel that they were seen, and their voice was heard. In this day and age, when information is so readily available through social media, it is so easy to be swayed in one direction or another. We are seeking to create a connection yet failing to understand not only differences, but also failing to create inclusion. What we all bring to the table is a gift not a barrier. When you come from an authentic place, and you work to align that with your passion, that’s when you’ve reached self-actualization, and that is where the real power comes from. The awards event carried heavy undertones and outwardly comments about the abuse in power, but that abuse doesn’t come always come from men. I know plenty of men who have supported women, treated them with dignity and respect, and have spoken against others for their inappropriateness. I have known many women who have spoken poorly of, have been passive aggressive toward, and attempted to ruin the reputation of other women. I think a perfect example of this from that evening, is Blanca Blanco, the actress who chose to wear red to the event and was shamed for her choice. While the protest was to wear black, maybe the protest should have been for empowering women to wear what they want without fear of reprisal from men or women. We are so concerned about fitting people into the box of how we think they should act, dress, speak, and live their lives. If they stand out from the mainstream norm, they don’t belong. And I was brought back to those in power. We seem to continually forgive leaders who openly speak of disrespecting women, people of color and nations of the of the world, and we don’t hold them accountable for these acts because the economy is on the upswing. There is something fundamentally wrong with this. Wasn’t this the same divisive rhetoric and blame used by Nazi propaganda to rise in power in Germany?? At least, that is what I recall reading about in high school world history.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I started my reading goals this year by ordering The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, The Sun and Her Flowers, by Rupi Kaur, and Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed. Not originally an avid reader, I have learned to love books; they are at times my escape mechanism or my therapy session. I have made it a goal each year to read twenty minutes every morning before the sun rises. I love bound books more than digital versions. I think I’ve told you before, I love the smell of them. I love highlighting and underlining the words, and writing in the white spaces. However, after I placed this order, I was given the opportunity to open up the digital copy of the “Dear Sugar” book. I almost couldn’t stop reading it all the way through.

“I happen to believe that America is dying of loneliness, that we as a people have bought into the false dream of convenience, and turned away from a deep engagement with our internal lives—those fountains of inconvenient feeling—and toward the frantic enticements of what our friends in the Greed Business call the Free Market. We’re hurtling through time and space and information faster and faster, seeking that network connection. But at the same time we’re falling away from our families and our neighbors and ourselves. We ego-surf and update our status and brush up on which celebrities are ruining themselves, and how.”

Dear Sugar has become so important in this day-in-age because she offers something “almost unheard of in our culture: radical empathy.” We have all been there whether we realize it or not. It is life. It is not meant to be fair, it’s meant to be lived. There are moments where we feel pain, fear, shame or rage–we are alive in that. And, we are alive when we can take that empty place and build from it. I swear I put something in the universe and like a Facebook algorithm or digital cookies it comes back to me. I am on social media because I am trying to sell something that I believe I can offer, a product that will better the life of my customer, and it’s an easier method to reach the masses. I do research and make connections through the innerwebs, but my most powerful interactions don’t come from this online presence. I believe in the power of human interaction. A few weeks back, I invited a few girlfriends over for an after work get together. I cleaned up my casita and made a few tapas invited them to bring their favorite food and/or drink. Most of the women who came over that evening had never met each other  before. I concocted a back up plan of playing card games in case the conversation became lacking. The conversation went on for hours we laughed and talked about backgrounds, passions, love and loss. It was such a wonderful evening; my plan is to do it again next month.

And then it came full circle–darn universe cookies!! Today, I took my son to the movies as part of his birthday gifts–this gift was the gift of following your passion. I wanted to take him to see The Greatest Showman. I didn’t know much about it except it was a musical (his love), was about PT Barnum (what did I say about history?), it included Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams, Zach Efron and Zendaya and was up for a number of awards at the Golden Globes. My opinion…it should have won SO many of the nominated categories. I loved the modern choreography and music, but the premise even more. It was about aligning your passion to your life’s work, truly SEEING the beauty in people, in their differences and their value, and “rewriting the stars”. I plan to see it again and again and again.

Do you see who is in front of you or are you to consumed by what you might be missing? How are you seeing them? Is it from your perspective and bias or with an open heart like a blank canvas? What are you using your voice to do—speaking up or shutting down? We all have the power to really see, however it’s really the matter if we want to.

With light and love,

Dara Sophia

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You Get What You Need

I hope this latest blog finds you surrounded by gifts: gifts of faith, wonder, joy and love. I am sitting here in my creativity chair (it’s a really fab over-sized, cheetah print chair that because of it’s age, I sink right into and it truly inspires me to write), looking at my Christmas Tree and all the ornaments and memories of Christmases’ past, and thoughtfully pondering what a gift the past year has been to me and to the Atelier.

A few years ago, at Christmastime, I wrote about Washing the Feet of Others: No Greater Gift. The blog was about an unexpected gift that rocked me to my core. As children, we have that "one gift" memory that stands out over the rest. This was my adult memory. The gift made my heart so full of joy because it reminded me of a basic life lesson, being present. A few months before the same person gave me a book, The Go-Giver, by Bob Burg and John David Mann. It is a quick read, only 127 pages long, but it is truly impactful. Without giving the entire premise away, the book reminds me that our true value is determined by what we give more than what we take in payment. When we put others first, we create a “sphere of influence” and it has a boomerang effect, returning those gifts to you. We should not be afraid to receive because ultimately what you put out into the world will always be returned for you. I read the book often, but especially at this time of year when I’m trying to ground myself in the season of gift giving…to find the true meaning of giving (also another great reminder of this is the Littlest Angel by Bing Crosby, but make sure you have Klennex when you listen to this song). And then I thought,

“God doesn’t give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need: to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.” Unknown

I had SO many of these gifts in brief interactions, to deep relationships, in great joy and laughter, to deep pain, and in departures, to great love. If I hadn’t pursued fashion, my travel may not have taken me to LA, Austin, New York and San Francisco in the same way. I wouldn’t have been able to connect with incredibly talented and gorgeous women and men who also happen to be incredibly beautiful souls and are working on fulfilling their dreams while supporting mine and vice versa. I wouldn’t have received the gift of adding NYFW to my own portfolio, and wouldn’t have given the opportunity to those whose goal make it to NYFW. If I hadn’t pursued fashion, I wouldn’t have been able to highlight, on TV, the unique designers and indie retailers that ABQ has to offer. They who are the HEART of this city. If I hadn’t pursued fashion, I wouldn’t have learned how difficult retail is and running a business is. I wouldn’t have been able to share that learning with an up-and-coming social enterprise, and wouldn’t have had the nerve to apply for the Civic Accelerator to aid this non-profit scale, profitably. If I didn’t pursue fashion, I wouldn’t have been inspired to write about all I’ve learned, all the incredible opportunities given to me and people who have helped me, as well as the adversity and the challenges I faced. I wouldn’t have inspired my children to follow their dreams and remind others that it’s NEVER too late to follow yours.

What is preventing you from following your dream (P.S. I am a great torMENTOR to help you be accountable in achieving it)?

Last year, I wrote about visiting NYC for a day just before Christmas. I had it planned all out and gave careful consideration on what I would pack into this day. It ended up being a dream, but as I now think back on it, I wasn’t supposed to experience it alone. As much as I love traveling solo, I once again needed to see the city through the eyes of someone who has never experienced it before. My gift to my children this year was to visit NYC during this crazed holiday time because the only time more magical to me is during Fashion Week in September. I want them to value what great learning travel brings. I also want them to understand the importance of collecting memories and not things. I needed that inspiration injection as I work on my AW18 collection. Boy, did all these things come to fruition. We ate, we walked, we shopped, but we really took in the sights and enjoyed each other’s company (note: it wasn't all fun and games, we did have Cranky McCrankypants moments, but luckily snapped out of it). My son was able to see his first Broadway show. I think before that moment he hadn’t solidified the possibility of being on a stage at that level. Now he has a goal of two years to pursue an internship on Broadway. My daughter, who had a rough semester balancing work, school and some intense obstacles thrown her way, was able to finally relax and spend some time at the Guggenheim and re-energize her creative soul. I know I say this repeatedly, but "New York City IS my soul" and as the quote goes:

"One belongs to New York instantly, one belongs to it as much in five minutes as on five years." Thomas Wolfe

Where is the place you feel most alive? You need to nurture that.

After New York, I traveled to Chicago for the final leg of the Civic Accelerator. As I mentioned before, this incredible 10-week journey has made the social enterprise I work for dig deeper, get uncomfortable, think big, make small bets, and at times fail in order to move forward. I thought this experience was going to be full of strategy and competition like the reality TV show contests. What I learned from this experience is that it was a game changing experience because of what we brought to the table--SOCIAL IMPACT. Each of the start ups were experiencing their own challenges. We were all vulnerable in revealing them and we found a community of authentic support, not competition. My biggest personal challenge for growth was being vulnerable, in order to ask for help and support and to create understanding as to why I find this work so important. I am always asked when I started sewing/designing. It is tied directly to the type of impact this social enterprise has on families. I know I will continue to check in with the cohort and will actually be showing Albuquerque to a few new friends soon. I have invited them to join me in NYC when Hopeless + Cause Atelier shows the SS19 line during NYFW.

Sometimes you need to be in that awful, uncomfortable but totally authentic place called vulnerability in order to get the real help you desire. If you are in that safe space, where people genuinely support you, don’t be afraid--jump in with open arms.

It’s funny. Through adversity, a deep love made its way into my life. This love challenges me to be the best me. It encourages me and reminds me to not be so hard on myself because life is a journey of constant learning. This love makes me smile from ear to ear and reminds me to laugh heartily. I am no longer afraid to speak up, share my insecurities, and set boundaries.

Don’t be afraid to be you. As Dr Seuss so beautifully stated,

“Those that mind, don’t matter and those that matter, don’t mind.”

As I look forward to the upcoming year, I know there are a few obstacles I need to conquer but I am excited by the possibilities both professionally and personally. I will be open to receiving the gifts dreaming big, working hard, overcoming adversity and living la vita e un dono! Thank you for all of you who have come into my path—you are woven into my life’s fabric—those who provided support, understanding and love, provided lessons I needed to be my authentic self, provided opportunities for growth and especially those that made me smile and laugh. I hope that in some way lightened your life or your load, or showed you there’s a big life out there for the taking.

With light and love,

Dara Sophia

PS if you read along my Ms. Adventures, we did get together again as family late on my mom’s birthday to watch Star Wars, The Last Jedi. And, what the heck?!? I wasn’t expecting that ending, but loved that we actually stayed up past 9pm and got to see it with my son and brother’s family on my mom’s birthday.

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Be Where We’re Supposed to Be

I have only one sibling. However, I grew up in a large Hispanic extended family. My mom was the oldest of 6 children which, has grown to 13 grandchildren, 12 great grandchildren, spouses, stepchildren and other family members. The most important things to my maternal grandparents were faith, then family, so that meant (and means) family gatherings. These gatherings aren't just for holidays or special occasions. I mean weekly Sunday Dinners. There was even an occasion after my mother died that my grandparents, uncles and aunts showed up to the probate attorney’s office because I was young and they thought he was trying to take advantage of my brother and me, and create a divide among us. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. Until the early 2000's, my grandparents lived in Las Cruces, NM. For every major holiday, all the family--who didn’t live in town--would travel to Las Cruces and would call “dibbs” on any open room (and access was based on seniority or who arrived first), or couch and most of the small kids would camp out in the den because they knew then they could stay up later that way. A few would reserve a room at the nearby hotel. There would be food for days, movie watching, games played and conversations. Of course, having a household that would sometimes swell to over 30 people, there were tense moments of irritation, but if it got to be too crowded, you could easily go for a walk in the nearby cotton fields or to the nearby lake for respite.

The last Christmas in Las Cruces was 2003. My grandfather had died in 1997. My grandmother and aunt who lives with her, thought it would be better to be closer to the family in Albuquerque. Almost all the family made the last vacation trek to Las Cruces. What made the holiday a little more somber was that my uncle, a Sargent in the National Guard, had received orders that he was being deployed to Iraq shortly after the holiday. We made the best of the holiday again with games, laughter, food, and movies. In particular, we had become big fans of the J.R.R. Tolkien trilogy, Lord of the Rings. The Christmas before, we watched the first two segments around the TV at my grandmas. Most of the family was anticipating the theatrical release of the last segment, Return of the King. We made a plan and invited whomever wanted to go. Now, this is before you could reserve your reclining seat at the nearby theater, and as a new release we weren’t sure how crowded it would be, so the day after Christmas we set out for the local theater…just under 20 of us. We grabbed an entire row (or now that I think about it, maybe it was two) and settled in for the movie. I sat next to my aunt who was a Tolkien fan and had read the books years before, so she was a subject matter expert. PSA: don’t sit next to the person who has read the books. The movies (I don’t care which book) are never the same as the books and her comments throughout the movie reminded of just that. I smile now because I think in ways I do the same thing. Christmas’ since are still wonderful and soul feeding, but they’re not the same. I think how grateful I am every day for this experience of the extended family.

I am also extremely grateful for my community of friends, many who have been part of my life since I was very young and who are part of my extended family. I realized just this past week how much of an impact it is when surrounding yourself with the right people, how important the right "family" can be. Two weeks ago, the leadership team, at the non-profit I work with, met about the upcoming holidays. The holidays aren’t joyous for some. For those, especially those who may no longer have a connection with their family and especially for those individuals who we work with, and whose pay is not a livable wage in our consumerist society, it can be dauntingly stressful to feel like you can’t provide for your family. That can lead to anxiety and depression which can be a trigger to a slippery slope of relapse or worse. This week it happened to one of the brightest talents in the room. He cited depression and change. For the first time it really hit me, how important it is to have the right supports around you and it made me think about a year ago. 

I have never been afraid to be alone. I actually enjoy it at times because I think it helps me to be a better person to be around when I’ve spent me time to work through my internal issues, but I’ve realized I’m okay doing it because I have a family and friends support system that I know I can call if company is needed. Last year, when I was going through and finalizing divorce proceedings. I knew my traditions wouldn’t change, but they were changing for my children and their father. Knowing this, I did what I could to help ensure the transition was a little less bumpy. There was 22 years of marriage and our own traditions, I wanted ensure that their father also felt involved and not alone during the holidays, so I made sure he knew there was an open invitation to my grandma’s and if there was something special he wanted to do with them, I was supportive of it. I think about how some of the fathers I work with are struggling with that. I think out some of my friends are struggling with that. I think about how important inclusion is. It also made me realize, I am where I’m supposed to be. As we live through the season of gratitude into the season of giving, think about what a blessing it is to spend time with someone. It makes me reflect on Matthew 25: 34-40 and not to get preachy, but how doing something for someone else without thought of repayment is the biggest gift to the world.

Last Saturday, I invited a number of family members to join me to watch Justice League (this time my brother could reserve our seats in advance). It was great, and we took up the back row. There were 12 in attendance. I sat between my son and my niece. I loved seeing her get as excited as I did when Wonder Woman did her 'thang and giggled when my son would give me a hard time when he saw me get excited. As the tag line for the movie goes…You Can’t Save the World Alone. We do need others as the social creatures we are (or as my first-grade teacher labeled me, as the "social butterfly"). It’s these moments and the conversations afterwards that I live for. We are planning to do it again for the next Star Wars release.

So, my hope for you on this Thanksgiving Holiday is that you are surrounded by love ones whether related or not, have a wonderful meal before you and if not, I have a wonderfully boisterous group of people that would love to have you join us.

With light and love,
Dara

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To Give To

The first night after rolling back the clock, I found myself waking in the dark. As I lay there, not wanting to open my eyes because I knew I’d never go back to sleep, I focused on the sound of my ceiling fan hum. That glorious white noise tends to help me sleep heavier, but that night wasn’t enough. And then I heard it, “Who.” “Who.” “Whoooooooooooo.”

I often wonder, “where do I live?” From rabbits in my courtyard, to coyotes howling at the full moon, to the various birds and seasonal foul that make a road stop on the nearby golf course to their winter home, I am so grateful to have such vibrant life in my backyard. Once again, I got to thinking, “Is this owl talking to me?” Then, the hooting continued. I finally fell back asleep, only to awake the next morning to track down why this nocturnal animal called out in my sleep. So, first thing that morning, I googled “owl spiritual meaning”. Instantly, a list appeared, from translations from Hindi to Celtic meanings. I opened the first link to read that the owl is sacred to the Greek goddess of learning, Athena, and is depicted as a symbol of status, knowledge and wisdom. In other cultures, the owl is the protector of the dead, thus often misunderstood as an evil omen. Death is not the end all be all, it also has the meaning of transition.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, I find myself in Washington DC for the next round of the Civic Accelerator. Unfortunately, I didn’t build in a lot of time for playing tourist, so instead I decided my morning exercise routine would be to run around the White House and the National Monument. It’s been a little over a year since the latest administration has been in office and I can only think that the past year has been like traveling down the rabbit hole, so much has happened personally and within the outside world that I can’t help but think this must be some sort of psychedelic trip. Like, is this for real?!? Then I thought back to the, “Who. Who. Whoooooooo”, and I realized it was a question. Who do you think you are? Who are you? As I’m running, I’ve come across the National Christmas Tree and I think about the pitch I developed for this round. I learn in my first day of this week of challenged thinking, that to help us develop that authentic voice that we should design a visual port key (I know you read this and are thinking Harry Potter—and yes, it is in that same vain and yes, that pun was intended—I’m a HP N.E.R.D). It is a huge responsibility that I am grateful for, but it calls for my vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is something that is difficult for me, but it is important for me to be completely authentic as to why I’m involved and why it’s important to invest and help scale the life changing organization I am representing. I really had to dig down deep to some memories that I had buried deep inside, not necessarily wanting to relive them. And yet again the stubborn owl, now in my head, reminded me of the transition, changing energy in one form to another. This transition or “death” is not a physical exclusivity instead it can be a transition in emotion, mind and/or spirit. It has been a cathartic exercise and has been liberating to remove myself from the shame that I didn’t commit, yet has shackled me my entire life.

The weekend before Dia de los Muertos, I received a message from a family friend informing me that her office had received a call to highlight my mom for Humans of New Mexico. This is the same office that houses my mom’s memorial scholarship. I was proud once again to honor her, her life’s work, and her legacy. She is continuously omnipresent in ways I need her guidance most. Just days before my departure for NYFW, the article written about her, her impact on University of New Mexico Students and following your dreams appeared on our family ranch refrigerator. That article had been written over 30 years ago and was found by my aunt as she was cleaning out closets. The request for information from Humans of New Mexico (the link is here if you want to read it) was that reminder of WHO I am and where I come from. We all have a legacy and we should live with the notion that we only die once, but we live every day until that last breath.

Which brings me to today, Wednesday, November 15, 2017, and the accelerator segment in which we were challenged by Smallify to seize opportunities by answering problems faster in creative and improvisational ways. At the end of the segment we were given a gift, one of the values. I reached into the gift bag and drew out a FEAR LESS button. What resonated with me so powerfully was that in 2015, my mantra was FEARLESS. It was superficial. I was scared shitless. I was feeling the strain of piling debt, relationships, not knowing what to do or where to go to, and honestly, felt I had no support in my work and personal life. Today, I fear less probably because I’ve seen rock bottom. There is so much I’ve gained from the experience to help me be stronger and more authentic in what I do today. As the Smallify founder, Dave, left and I thanked him for his time and shared knowledge, he mentioned to me what positive energy I provided to the group and how that makes it easier to create an impactful learning environment when you feel the support in the audience. That comment took me back to a conversation I had in a meeting a few weeks ago with a colleague. I was waiting in the conference room when he walked in. As we shared our greetings, he mentioned, “you are always smiling. Is that something you always do or is it that you are genuinely a happy person?” I laughed and thought about it for a moment and realized, smiling is my favorite (of course I had to throw that in), but honestly, I judge people at first sight (keep that in mind the next time I see you). And maybe, judge is harsh but it’s my reality. How are you projecting your genuine self? I believe happy is a constant choice I make. I choose to look for good in every instance and if I can lighten or provide hope even when it may feel hopeless, I feel that empowers me and those around me.

As I’ve focused on the premise to fear less, I am seizing opportunities to test ideas without fear of failure because if I haven’t succeeded, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I no longer fear the “no”, either hearing it or saying it. This has driven me to start conversations in retail. Not me taking on the role as the retailer again (I suck at that role) but becoming a supplier to retailers that find worth in my value proposition of Making Impactful Entrances. I am building a shop-able website for my patrons that want to wear Hopeless + Cause Atelier but don’t live in Albuquerque. I am pulling crazy inspiration into design and challenging the status quo. I have found the WHO, Mr. Owl (and it didn’t take me three licks to get to the center of that Tootsie Roll pop) and it is To Give – To.

To Give my voice To those who haven’t yet found their voice.

To Give my knowledge and share my skills To empower others.

To Give my soul work To inspire others to dare greatly in order to fail greatly and succeed greatly.

To Give my smile To remind people how you live is a choice.

To Give my hand and heart To provide hope.

Who are you? What is your To Give To and how are you living it? And I purposely didn’t share the reasoning behind my Christmas Tree port key. If you would like to learn about it, shoot me an email, invite me for a coffee or wine conversation, but know I will challenge you to find your own port key.

Con luz y amor, Dar (To Give) A (To)
(Quien eres esta dentro de ti)