Chances are when said and doneChances, Five for Fighting
Who’ll be the lucky ones who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever no matter how it feels today
On this eve of Thanksgiving, I’ve spent the evening contemplating the past year and what I’m grateful for. There are so many things…the people who have been woven in my life, the opportunities bestowed upon me, the new places I’ve been and the goals I’ve accomplished and all that is in front of me for the coming year if I have the courage to go after it. I’ve watched The Blindside as I have done ritually for years…and UGLY CRYING…because there is nothing more beautiful than the unconditional love of a mother. As I’ve stated before, my astrological sign is Cancer, a water sign…I openly wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes to my detriment. For me, it is important to give my all in relationships. I then moved on to watching all the Friends Thanksgiving episodes because they play out my comical life as holistically as it is. It is snowing in Central New Mexico and I’ve decided to update this blog while listening to Five for Fighting and really listening to the words and how they relate. I am thankful for everything that has occurred to me in the past year. And again I am reminded of the relationships that were filled with love, lessons and/or laughter. I think the greatest gift that I am grateful this year is the power of communication. While unfortunately, openly and honestly communicating with loved ones doesn’t seem to always fall in line with the way you’d hope it would. However, I truly believe if you are honest with how you feel, you should not feel bad for saying what needs to be said.
Sometimes the greatest way to say something is to say nothing.Say Something – Justin Timberlake feat. Chris Stapleton
But I can’t…
“I’ve learned more about you from this last communique than in the past few decades that I’ve known you and especially more than the last year where I thought we really connected…more than the late night and early morning conversations about fears, love, goals and loss, more than the dinner conversations filled with laughter and admiration, and more than the walks through life that included conversations of randomness, yet were filled with meaning and insight.
I’m more than a bird, I’m more than a planeSuperman – Five for Fighting
I’m more than some pretty face beside a train
And it’s not easy to be me
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
And in saying this, I take back what I said. I don’t ‘wish you the best that life has to offer’. I actually wish you get to experience life to the fullest. I hope you get to experience it all, including, the heart break that comes from being completely vulnerable and honest with someone you care about. And in response, I hope you receive no empathy, no understanding and no common ground to work from, but instead are told the memories and experiences you created together aren’t worthy of being remembered or sacred.
I don’t say this to be cruel. I say this because I hope that experience carves you into a softer person, a human being, because words once said, can’t be taken back. So in wishing this, I hope in the future you understand the impact of what you say and choose to think through the words you use wisely, so they don’t damage the next person who thought you cared.”
Words like violenceEnjoy the Silence – Depeche Mode
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can’t you understand
Words: they can be used to elevate someone and they can be used as a weapon to tear someone completely apart. They can be used to help move through darkness as these did in this middle of the night stream of consciousness. I have been writing my stream of consciousness, through this blog, for over three years. My free flow narrative has been about my experiences with people, places, what has happened in my world and my understanding, interpretation of the outside world… and how it has influenced my design aesthetic. It is MY explanation of life. I decided to share my words, thoughts, loves, loathes and fears with those around me. I don’t have an English degree. My posts are not always grammatically correct and spelling faux pas dot each blog. At times, I use choice words filled with emotion. I have not been adverse to calling out injustices or sharing really happy and heartbreaking moments. At one point, my attorney suggested that I not be so honest and open about my words (or at least out in the open). But as a child, being suppressed in ways to verbalize what I needed to say, I found writing to be my medium of choice. I have not felt regret for what I’ve said, instead I have grown to live by the rule that the best way to live life is to be honest about how you feel. When I am high on emotion, I write it out, leave it for a day and then go back and re-read it. I ask myself, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” It is always my truth. When I have sought understanding, in many instances, I have found it is necessary.
Things get damagedPrecious – Depeche Mode
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
I haven’t been one to not be accused of being emotional. I cry watching videos of military parents returning home and surprising their kids. I choked back tears when I saw my BFF so distraught after learning of the unexpected death of her her friend, even though we had never met. Tears stream down my face with the biggest smile when I outfit women who have lost weight and for the first time are wearing that “little black dress” that I knew would hug their body in all the right places and saw in their eyes how beautiful they felt. Yet, the weeks leading up to this middle of night consciousness, I had felt pensive, melancholy and hollow. There was no deep sadness but instead an emptiness all because I shared my thoughts about the way I felt a relationship had changed. I simply asked the question if something had changed. Instead of receiving the one response I had hoped for–the opportunity to talk about and work out differences–I received two responses from long time friends that I was floored by.
Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you’d only lied
It’s too late to change eventsPolicy of Truth – Depeche Mode
It’s time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth
The surreal-ness came in the form of not wanting to talk about it but instead choosing to walk away. The other interjecting that this person the reason and creating separation like a business relationship. After all the years of what I thought was a deep friendship and another recently rekindled friendship, it wasn’t what I was expecting, but I respected those choices and wished for the best life has to offer. For a hot second, these responses made me question my value and worth which led to the hollowness of it all. As these responses weighed on me like a ton of bricks, and as I tried to process, I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that I didn’t wish the best life that life has to offer…I wished the gift of empathy and kindness and love in the purest form of humanity.
As I said, it doesn’t come from a place of cruelty or that I want horrible things to happen, but instead if we put ourselves in the shoes of others before we respond, as these responses came to me, then we might find common ground to build from and not tear down. What I truly found and learned is anything you loose by being honest, you really never had to begin with. While a powerful lesson, it was painful.
I don’t know what the future will bring, whether or not we will be able to reconcile. I do know that it will not prevent me from saying something when I feel things are off. I also know that I choose to relish the wonderful memories and conversations filled with laughter, insight and love and they will be sacred to me. I also hope that my other relationships are strong enough to work through differences and that we aren’t afraid to communicate to find common ground.
Then, I stumbled upon this video segment. I felt compelled to watch it and for the first time, I was sadden by the realization of what is.
With light and love,