Tag: communication

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It’s Not You, It’s Me, or Maybe It’s Mercury in Retrograde

Sometimes you have to be thankful for everything and know the most beautiful things aren’t seen but felt through the heart.

I love sitting behind my computer writing. I am completely vulnerable and exposed with the continuous thought that no one is reading this. Yet, when I get a response or comment of how my words impacted the reader, it helps me realize that sometimes, it’s not about me.

“Vulnerability is not weakness.” Brené Brown

If you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning, then you are aware of the man, who when I see him, I consider a good omen for my day (which is giving huge responsibility to a stranger). If you are new reader, or like me and can’t remember anything from last week, let me shed some light.

There is a man that walks along Golf Course, and as far as I can tell, it is EVERY DAY. I see him walking in the bitterness of winter and the scorching heat of the Albuquerque summers. What makes him unique is the fact that he’s always wearing a hat with ear flaps, a long sleeve sweatshirt, gloves, pants and what looks like a filled back pack. He walks with intention, swinging his arms has far as he can reach, back-and-forth and back-and-forth. His stride is long but not fast. When I see him, I grin ear-to-ear. He reminds me to always be me and it will be a good day.

I’ve made up stories about him…why he walks…why he wears what he wears….what he carries in his backpack…etc. Have you ever done that? Made up stories of who you think people are based on what you see? I do that when I people-watch in airports, in coffee shops, on patios (especially in Santa Fe overlooking the Plaza—my fav is the Ore House because you get a bird’s eye view), and it’s not so much to judge (although I have seen some major fashion faux pas that I’d like to offer some assistance on), but more out of curiosity. …where are people going? …where do the come from? …what are they like? AND then, I saw him close-up in person.

One Sunday, my son, Isaiah, and I were shopping at the local market. I was looking for some sort of produce and my son was on his phone. I looked over and in front of the leafy greens, there he was. He still had his cap on, but his normal uniform had changed, he was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I smiled, but didn’t say anything. We moved on to the meat section. I started to shop for the week’s selection when I felt Isaiah nudge me. I looked up and saw him smiling and turning his head in the man’s direction. I smiled and because my facial expressions give everything away, without saying a word I conveyed that I knew. We moved on and out of earshot I explained to Isaiah that I had seen him in produce. Isaiah is well aware of this man and my good omen theories. I would often send a text to Isaiah saying, “it’s going to be a good day” when I’d see him (and of course not while I was driving ?). He would do the same. However, while star struck, I chose not to go up to him and tell him about my theories or ask him why he walks and wear what he wears and the 120 other questions I had. I believe in privacy and honestly, it would have been kind of weird, right?!? It was my story, not his.

“Be so aligned, not even Mercury in Retrograde can phase you.” Spiritual Daughter

Do you believe in the power Mercury has when it is in Retrograde? I wasn’t a believer until a couple of years ago it really seemed to impact my interpersonal communications and technology (except, I’m always having issues with technology). I’m not entirely sure that these communication issues should be blamed on Mercury or the fact that I have something to blame.

Recently, the stories or narratives we have about relationships came to mind again. This time in what I was telling myself. Someone I knew a few years ago came back into my life by matter of coincidence. We had started talking again. Our conversations were completely on the surface with no deep dives, but it was nice and light. I was clear about what I wanted.

Photo via Star Watching Adventures in NM

I came home to my casita last Saturday night after a lovely evening with friends. I almost let it be ruined by a conversation I had as the evening ended. It has been the same conversation that I had been having repeatedly for the past several months. As much as I wanted to try to see something else, I knew in my heart what the problem was, yet I turned a blind to a hopeful eye. It can be upsetting when reality sets in. I’ve been preaching now for months about Maya Angelou and Oprah Winfrey and learning that people will show you who they are the first time. I have to say before this year, the number of times I forgave and let people show me again and again before I saw who they really were, was in the triple digits. I guess I’m pleased to say that this time it was in the single digits. However, it still made me feel uncomfortable about myself.

After I took off my dress and put something more comfortable on, I decided to look at the stars. I am so lucky that I live on the edge of a golf course. Without the light pollution, the skies are pretty clear for stargazing, so I went outside and looked to the heavens for some tranquility.

I was scaffolding my own story about what happened. Was it fear? Was I unclear? Was it superficial? Did it matter? As much as I tried to let it go, it still lurked around me that evening. What bothered me is the that I am pretty open about what I want and need. Words without the corresponding action show me that you don’t value me, and I started thinking about a blog I wrote last year.

Have you ever read Aesop’s Fable about the North Wind and the Sun? A couple of years ago I wrote about it as part of a random acts of kindness blog post I created for Hotel Andaluz. For those of you who never heard of it or don’t quite recall it all. It is the story of competition between the Sun and the North Wind and who could get the traveler to take off his cloak on his journey. The North Wind went first and as the wind does, he howled with all his might. Instead of the cloak flying away, the traveler held it tightly. Next up was the Sun. The Sun shone brightly, and the heat hugged the traveler. As his body temperature rose, and the sweat began to bead off his body, the traveler opted to take off his cloak in order to cool off. I used this fable to speak to the power of customer service and the customer experience. The whole blog can be found HERE.

“At the heart of the fable is this: warmth is better than sheer force.”

That night it dawned on me that Mercury is in Retrograde. Was it messing with communications? Did I react harshly without pause to state my thoughts clearly? I took a moment to pause and think introspectively. Then a few days later, I came across an article by Brené Brown. Do you know this Researcher-Storyteller? She has done some powerful research on vulnerability and shame.

Through her research she found that vulnerability is not WEAKNESS. There is emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty involved and vulnerability is an accurate measurement of courage.

I went back to her Ted Talk and reread the article in which she spoke of writing our own unconscious storytelling and how we use narratives in our own self-protection. And this statement was on point, “When we’re under threat, we run. If we feel exposed or hurt, we find someone to blame, or blame ourselves before anyone else can, or pretend we don’t care.”  She suggested engaging with your feelings, then getting curious about your feelings, moving to writing them down and finally, duking it out (not physically, although, I highly suggest a run, that helps me get the f*cks out).

Because it is important for me in my understanding, I question things. I chose to question what happened. I didn’t get a response and I’m okay with it. In the following days, I decided to unwrap it up here. It could be just as easy for me to not care, become hardened or skeptical about people and relationships, not only based on my recent experience and honestly, based on relationships I’ve encountered over the past few years, but I realized something. That isn’t me. I choose to continue with warmth, look for good and build from that place. I also appreciated the wit and the lightness of the conversations–it was a nice distraction. However, I’m listening to my gut. I also may wait or be very thoughtful in my communication before I have any important conversations at least until August 20th.

With light and love and watching that planet,

Dara Sophia

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Post-it Note Break Ups

I don’t know how many of you reading this are fans (or were fans) of the HBO series Sex and the City. However, based on the demographic majority of my online followers—between the ages of 25-44, 75% are female, and into fashion—I’m making the assumption that many of you may recall the episode Post-it Note Always Sticks Twice. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the series, I’ll give you a quick rundown. Carrie Bradshaw, a New York columnist and protagonist in the series, dates another author, Jack Berger. Her boyfriend couldn’t handle her success and broke up with her over a Post-it note. It said, “I’m Sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.”

In my early childhood years, I was taught that communication in my household was combative and usually included yelling, cursing and violence. There was an immense amount of shame and we didn’t share our problems with anyone. Because of this, I learned to run from conflict–that it’s better to keep things to myself and handle things on my own than to bring things out into the open or discuss them with loved ones. In an all out attempt to avoid conflict, I also learned to appease others, often setting aside my own feelings or needs. Making the assumption that you’ve flown in an aircraft before, this is best way I can describe it. When you board a flight, just before takeoff, the attendant goes over the safety rules. There was one rule that had always bothered me and even more so when I had my children. The rule is this, “make sure you securely put on your oxygen mask before you help put on the masks of others”. It didn’t compute. I knew in my mind that I would always make sure my kids’ masks were on first before I’d put on mine, and in general, probably everyone else’s if they needed help.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally understood what it meant.

Even though, I often suppressed my open verbalization of feelings, I loved writing. I also appreciated the dynamics of seeing how others communicated with each other. How people interact with each other and understanding how relationships worked always intrigued me, even how people communicated through body language and how they dressed. “Communications” was my minor at UNM. I enjoyed learning about interpersonal and intercultural communications, mediation, mass media and organizational communications. Yet, my absolute favorite way to communicate has been and is through storytelling (if you couldn’t tell reading my blog). I tell people repeatedly, “I’m a novelist at heart” (that’s why you normally don’t get one or two-word text responses). I had the hardest time initially with Twitter because of the text limit. When working on organizational communications with my manager at Cardinal Health, her red pen helped me be more succinct in what I had to say. I appreciated all Jane had to teach me in written communications, but even more so in every day interactions.

So when my role ended at Cardinal Health, and I knew the inevitable was coming, she brought me into her office to let me know. Even though, I knew the uncertainty of what the future would bring, I felt it was my time to move on, confident because of all her years of support and mentoring.

“Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?”

The next few years were a blur, trying to understand and grow a small retail business that I wasn’t equipped, nor Albuquerque was ready for. I retreated back to my childhood and what I had been taught, that I couldn’t share the extent of my problems. The first time I went home after a day of negative sales (SIDE NOTE: what does this mean, you may be thinking? This is a day where there are not only no sales, but also someone returned something) and tried to tell my then spouse about my day, his response was, “I’ll get a second job.” I wasn’t looking for him to fix it. I was looking for someone I could talk to while I tried to figure out what to do next. I just needed someone to listen to me. Instead of feeling open to share what worried me, that exchange taught me to internalize the store problems. I had to be the rock for my home, the business and those who relied on me. It wasn’t fair, but it was the hand I dealt myself in not setting boundaries or clear expectations of what I needed. When the store closed, I retreated even further. Previously active on social media, and other media channels for marketing purposes, I stepped away from most outlets, relying mostly on conversations with friends during this time in order to get through. Yet someone’s opinion, and the lack of support from the person I thought should be there for me, held me hostage for years after that closure.

“You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins”

And then I truly understood what it meant to put on my oxygen mask first. I was so concerned with everyone else, their feelings, their needs, that I made myself believe that mine didn’t matter or maybe they weren’t as important than those around me. That was when I learned to not be afraid in speaking about what was important to me.

I was also able to take the knowledge and experience I had gleaned from the retail venture and take that with me to the fledgling Fathers Building Futures. I was originally brought in to help with fundraising and grants part-time, but as the organization started to separate from its parent organization, my understanding of human resources and communications was more valuable to the organization. The original goal was for me to be there for 3 months, yet there was so much work. It turned into 6 months, then 9 months and then a year. I thoroughly enjoyed the work and team. I had learned immensely from past experience, and was open to sharing it to help the organization.

“What one does when faced with the truth is more difficult than you think.” Wonder Woman

I started to see a similar path that I went down in the store and started to raise the red flag. I challenged decisions, sharing what I had experienced. However, in moments of desperation, one doesn’t always see clearly. Emet, who I’ve known for 8 years, one of the bravest people I know, and have been blessed to have grace my life was motivated to do anything because of fear. I understood this. He wanted to ensure the program was in place to serve those who desperately needed the services provided by the organization. He wanted to make sure the employees who depended on an income from their jobs had a sense of security. He was grasping at anything and throwing things out in the universe to see if anything would stick.

The next board meeting was scheduled the week after I returned from NYFW AW18. I prepared for it in the usual manner. I went into the meeting and there was a the discussion around setting up a marketing and communications committee to help address the work, yet I was not part of the discussion. The next day Emet and I started to talk about goals and needs for the organization when he said, “let’s walk next door for a coffee and to talk further”. On the way over, he asked me about my show and I shared the crazy details.

As we sat down, Emet informed me that my contract was going to come to an end within the next month. I knew it was coming because I was privy to the budget and I knew in my heart, I was too expensive for the organization. In order for it to survive, the contract needed to come to a close. I also suspected an end because I was being left out of important conversations. However, I think what stunned me and honestly, what bothered me the most was the way that it happened and where it had happened, in an open space like a coffee shop. I had been dealt my own post-it breakup note. It hurt because Emet and I were not only colleagues, but we were also friends. It bothered me that he couldn’t come to me when he knew that I was aware what was going on and that he carried this additional stress. We could have had an honest conversation without this awkwardness.

I was left to think… Are we afraid of hurting others with what me might say? Or are we afraid of the other person’s reaction? Or maybe there are those of us are looking for a miracle to happen that might deliver us from conflict?

“Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is”

For the next few weeks, we continued to work side-by-side with just enough distance to get the important work done. At one time, Emet did apologize saying, “I’m sorry.” I responded asking what he was sorry for? His response was, “everything”. I couldn’t say it out loud because I knew at the time it wouldn’t bring any value to the conversation, yet I thought to myself, “when you can’t articulate what you mean, then it doesn’t mean anything”. It wasn’t until my last week that Emet stopped working, looked at me and apologized again. He apologized for the way it happened. He apologized for not listening to me. He apologized for not fighting for me to stay on. He admitted he was scared because he didn’t know what he was going to do after I was gone. I simply said, “thank you”, because I knew he genuinely meant it. The interaction had to power to destroy our relationship; yet, it became stronger.

In the past few months, we have leaned on each other for support, guidance, and advice. We have both been through a lot during this time. It was an incredible lesson in communication for me. Relationships—business, personal, and intimate—aren’t successful because of trust. Trust is built from respect. Respect is built on honesty. Honesty is built through open communication. I have learned that communication is not always easy, and especially when you aren’t taking the time to properly care for your own needs (and yes, it’s important to take others into consideration), yet it is absolutely crucial in self-care and interpersonal relationships. And, when the dynamics of the relationship have this foundation, then it can weather any storm and actually be strengthened by it.

“Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave”

While I learned in my academic setting how to gain people’s attention or persuade them through my communication methods and storytelling, I really learned to communicate through the trials and errors in my real life. I also learned that in order to effectively communicate and be present in my relationships, I have to put my oxygen mask on first so I can properly care for those around me.

With light and love (and hope you’re humming along to Brave with me),

Dara Sophia

P.S. I also want to share Emet’s brave story of coming into his own. You can read it HERE.
P.P.S. Brave lyrics featured by Sara Bareilles